Charmeded: It's Almost Charmed But Not Quite!
by kaytee83
Summary: The first series of the "hit" TV show starring the Charmeded ones as they fight demons and each other, with bad storylines and worse jokes! How can you resist?
1. Dumped In The Middle With No Explanation

I'll disclaim your ass!  
I own nothing. This is not real. NOT REAL I TELL YA!!! Anything else... don't think so... I don't own the characters, actors, etc, although it would be funny if I did. Yes it would!!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
CHARMEDED EPISODE 1: DUMPED IN THE MIDDLE WITH NO EXPLANATION.  
  
  
SCENE A: TEASER.  
  
THE ENTIRE CAST SIT TOGETHER IN A CANDID SHOT. NO ONE REALISES THAT THEY'RE RECORDING.  
  
SHANNEN: Look, Alyssa, all I'm saying is that if you let me cut your pay by 87%, I can use the money to feed starving people!  
ALYSSA: I dunno, Shannen. DOn't I have my own charity?  
HOLLY: I think you do.  
SHANNEN: Yeah, like I give a ****.  
BRAIN: Alyssa?  
ALYSSA: Yes sweetie?  
BRAIN: It would really turn me on if you changed your last name to Jones.  
  
SHANNEN SNICKERS. HOLLY LOOKS AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.  
  
ROSE: I don't get it.  
SHANNEN: Remember that movie, Chasing Amy?  
HOLLY: Oh. Oh!!!  
  
HOLLY SNICKERS. AS DOES JULIAN, SHANNEN AND BRIAN.  
  
ROSE: I still don't get it.  
SHANNEN: Quiet, you outcast. Look at your stupid hair.  
ALYSSA: What's so funny? Guys, what does that red light above the camera mean?  
SHANNEN: Holy crap we're on air!  
BRAIN: We're going live?  
HOLLY: (aside, to Brian) A little tip; do NOT point out Shannen's mistakes if you wanna stay on the show, kapeesh?  
JULIAN: Uh... what's my line, mate?  
SHANNEN: Julian! I mean, Cole! Stop putting on that Australian accent!  
  
SHANNEN, NOW IN CHARACTER GIVES HIM EVILS.  
  
PRUE: It sounds funny, right Phoebe?  
ALYSSA: What?  
PRUE: Right PHOEBE?  
ALYSSA: Oh right. No, wait, I can do better;  
PHOEBE: Gotcha.  
LEO: I gotta go.  
  
HE ORBS OUT.  
  
BRIAN: I was meant to orb out there, right?  
JULIAN: No, you were actually meant to simply leave the room.  
HOLLY: That would explain how you're still in the room, Brain.  
PRUE: Leo!  
HOLLY: Ah screw it Shannen, we already messed up the scene.  
SHANNEN: Okay. Again! From the top!  
ROSE: When do I get to say something?  
  
ROLL OPENING CREDITS. TITLE THEME SONG: How Now Is Soon?  
  
*   
  
SCENE B:  
  
KITCHEN. THE THREE CHARMEDED ONES (PIPER, PHOEBE AND PAIGE) ARE FIGHTING A DEMON.  
  
PAIGE: Ahhh we're all gonna die!  
PIPER: I wish she'd stop saying that. However - it is nice to have someone with as strange a name as mine...  
PAIGE: Die, I tell ya!  
PIPER: And the same amount of letters...  
PHOEBE: I can spell my last name.   
  
THE DEMON HESITATES. THEN APPLAUDS HER. PIPER ROLLS HER EYES.  
  
PIPER: Please, don't-  
PAIGE: Encourage her.  
PIPER: (to paige) Hey!  
PAIGE: What?  
PIPER: You stole my line! What, am I getting written out too?  
PAIGE: I don't know what you're talking about. (covers mouth and eyes dart about, whimpers)  
PIPER: (to ceiling) Is this because I was friends with Shannen?  
PHOEBE: (to demon) Can you be my friend?  
DEMON: Well, I was gonna kill you...  
PAIGE: (to piper) You got nothing to worry about.  
DEMON: But alright. Can we play... in your attic?  
PHOEBE: Okay. whispers obviously That's the 'magic' room!  
  
DEMON AND PHOEBE EXIT.   
  
PAIGE: Okay. I'll cook us some dinner.  
PIPER: I'm the cook!  
PAIGE: Hey - don't make me freeze your ass!  
PIPER: I'm the one with the freez...er!  
PAIGE: Whatever.   
  
PAIGE PUTS HER HAND ON THE TABLE. SUDDENLY SHE DOUBLES OVER WITH PAIN.  
  
PAIGE: Ow! The agony!  
PIPER: Ha ha.  
PAIGE: Oh my god - Phoebe!  
PIPER: What about her?  
PAIGE: In my premonition-  
PIPER: What? Who died and made you... all of us?  
PAIGE: Prue, actually.  
PIPER: ... that's very true. So. What powers you got?  
PAIGE: Well, not being one to brag...  
PIPER: You are so Prue's replacement.  
PAIGE: I have Levitation, Premonition, Astral Projection, Telekinesis, Tae Kwon Do, Telepathy, Matrix Moves and some stupid powers without names, mainly freezing and blowing stuff up, but they hardly count-  
PIPER: Hey...  
PAIGE: Dreamwalking, Healing Touch, Shapeshifting, Possession and Weather Control, and my personal favourite, Flower Arranging.  
PIPER: Wow that's quite a repertoire you got there!  
PAIGE: Yeah, so?  
PIPER: Well, you know-  
  
PAIGE GRABS PIPER BY THE THROAT.  
  
PAIGE: Don't get on the wrong side of me, Halliwell.  
PIPER: Halliwell? That's your name as well!  
  
PAIGE LIFTS PIPER OFF THE GROUND BY HER NECK.   
  
PAIGE: Don't screw with me, Halliwell, it's not a place you'd like to be.  
PIPER: Okay Dokie! Oh - what happened to Phoebe?  
  
PAIGE STARES.  
  
PIPER: In your premontion?  
PAIGE: Premonition, premonition... oh yeah! With so many great powers, it's really hard to keep track. She was getting killed.  
PIPER: What? Holy - we gotta get upstairs! Why weren't you watching and prying into her life?  
PAIGE: Maybe cos I'm not Prue.  
PIPER: ... dammit! That's what Prue spent most of her time doing!  
  
PIPER EXITS. PAIGE ASTRAL PROJECTS. BEHIND HER, A WINDOW SLOWLY GRATES OPEN. WE SEE SMALL FINGERS OVER THE SILL, THEN BLACK HAIR, EYES AND SOON, A VERY MUCH NOT DEAD PRUE IS IN THE ROOM.  
  
PRUE: So. We meet again do we? Just because I don't sleep with the boss enough I get axed eh? Well, in the words of Shannon Hamilton, I'm gonna **** you up beyond repair, Bruce. Except your name isn't Bruce. Ah screw it I mucked up. Dammit. Ah well. Cue evil laugh: Mwa ha ha ha!  
  
SHE ADVANCES ON PAIGE.  
  
*  
  
UPSTAIRS, PAIGE HAS JUST VANQUISHED THE DEMON. PIPER GETS UP FROM A TABLE WHICH SHE HAS JUST BROKEN, MAINLY BECAUSE SHE FLEW INTO IT.  
  
PAIGE: I'm the man!  
PHOEBE: Hey he was playing with me!  
PIPER: Phoebe - you were playing at 'Kill Phoebe' again, weren't you?  
PHOEBE: Yeah. And as per usual you guys intervened and got in the way before we finished!  
PAIGE: Got in the way is right. Piper, next time watch out - when I say move, I really mean 'move your ass out of my goddamn way!'  
PIPER: Fine, but did you have to throw me out of the way?  
PAIGE: ... no.   
  
SHE ASTRALS OUT. WE HEAR SCREAMING AND EVIL LAUGHTER. PIPER AND PHOEBE EXIT.  
  
*  
  
KITCHEN. PIPER AND PHOEBE ENTER TO SEE PAIGE LYING ON THE FLOOR, SEVERLY BEATEN UP. PRUE STANDS OVER HER LAUGHING.  
  
PRUE: Mwa ha haaooh crap hi sisters.  
PIPER: Prue?  
PRUE: You say what we all want to hear.  
PHOEBE: Okay, there's no doubt about it, thanks to that little remark. That is definitely Prue.  
PAIGE: Guys! Help me!  
PIPER: Ah use your powers.  
PAIGE: ... okay.  
  
PRUE SUDDENLY JERKS AROUND A BIT.  
  
PRUE: Ich. I feel unclean!  
PIPER: Prue? You okay?  
PRUE: Yeah... from now on, can you refer to me as Paige?  
PHOEBE: Sure!  
  
THE THREE OF THEM EXIT LAUGHING, JOKING AND TALKING OF MEMORIES PAST. PAIGE LIES ON THE GROUND.  
  
PAIGE: whispered Guys? Guys... help! It's Prue! She switched bodies... help me!  
  
SILENCE.  
  
*  
  
END.  
  
VOICE OVER LADY: What will happen to the unaware sisters? Will Prue ever be in a show and stay? Will Piper ever find her nail varnish remover? And will Phoebe ever realise that her skirt is tucked into her panties? Tune in next time. Unless Prue has a temper tantrum and the show is axed. In the next episode:  
  
PREVIEW:  
  
PAIGE: Guys! I'm not Paige, I'm Prue! Let me out of the basement! Please! The Woogieman is threatening to ping my bra!  
  
*  
  
PRUE: I never liked that Prue anyway.  
PIPER: Prue - you're Prue!  
PRUE: I told you to call me Paige, Halliwell!  
  
*  
  
PHOEBE: Piper, I'm getting suspicious - Prue-  
PIPER: Paige.  
PHOEBE: Right. She's acting all weird, and keeps referring to herself in the third person...  
PIPER: What, like when she says "When are we gonna feed Prue to the hounds?" and stuff?  
  
*  
  
VOICE OVER LADY: And you can watch that next time on 'Charmeded', the show that is almost Charmed but not quite.  
  
AS CREDITS ROLL:  
  
VOICE OVER MAN: We have a small article here. Apparently, there will not be a next time of 'Charmeded' because of ratings, which are on average, zero. The makers of Charmeded have announced it's all about the fans, and no further episodes of Charmeded will be made until it has been requested by fans. How sad.  
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Agreed. How sad.  
  
  
  
  
  
KT: You heard the man! You want more, you gotta ask! Or not, whatever. I got the first six episodes all ready to go, just like in the big bad real world. But according to the magazine reviews of the show, which I will be posting after episode 3, it's doing okay! According to some. ie, not all.  



	2. Ill Kick Your Wiccan Ass!

CHARMEDED EPISODE 2: I'LL KICK YO WICCAN ASS  
  
  
Note: OS means Off Screen.  
  
SCENE A - TEASER:  
  
PHOEBE: Hi I'm Phoebe I was told to start a teaser for the show so:  
  
STARTS DOING A STRIPTEASE.  
  
DIRECTOR(OS):Oh my god! Cut! Cut!  
PHOEBE:What?  
DIRECTOR(OS): Where's your script, that was not what it said.  
PHOEBE: My... script?  
DIRECTOR(OS): Yes. Where, is, your, script?  
PHOEBE: ... my dog-  
DIRECTOR(OS): You don't have a dog.  
PHOEBE: Umm, Prue... ate it?  
  
THERE IS A LONG PAUSE.  
  
DIRECTOR(OS): Okay. Someone get a new script, and someone get me Prue.   
  
ANOTHER LONG PAUSE, ALL THE TIME PHOEBE LOOKING INTO A POINT BEHIND THE CAMERA WE CAN ASSUME IS THE DIRECTOR.  
  
PRUE(OS): Hi, what's up?  
DIRECTOR(OS): Prue, did you eat Phoebe's script?  
PRUE(OS): ...no.  
PHOEBE: Yes she did! You did Prue! Don't look at me like that!   
DIRECTOR(OS): Prue, did you eat the script?  
PRUE(OS): ...  
PHOEBE: She ate it. She did.   
DIRECTOR(OS):Prue, you are a bad, bad girl.  
PRUE(OS): But-  
DIRECTOR(OS): Bad!  
  
SILENCE.  
  
PHOEBE WALKS UP TO THE CAMERA AND SPINS IT AROUND TO FACE PRUE AND THE DIRECTOR. PRUE'S FACE IS RED AND HER HEAD IS HUNG. THE DIRECTOR IS WAGGING HIS FINGER AT HER.  
  
PHOEBE(OS): Ha ha she got in trouble.  
DIRECTOR: I trust you'll make sure this doesn't happen again.  
PRUE: Yes, sir.  
  
THE DIRECTOR GETS UP AND LEAVES. PRUE GLARES BEHIND THE CAMERA, ASSUMINGLY AT PHOEBE.  
  
PHOEBE(OS): Come on, Prue. No hard feelings...  
PRUE: You got me in trouble.  
PHOEBE(OS): You ate my script!  
PRUE: What kind of sister are you? You little-  
PHOEBE(OS): Prue - no! Help!  
  
PRUE ADVANCES ON PHOEBE, WALKS PAST THE CAMERA.WE HEAR A SLAP, THEN A SCUFFLE. THE CAMERA SHUDDERS AS IF SOMEONE HAS BEEN THROWN AGAINST IT.  
  
OPENING CREDITS.  
  
SCENE B:  
  
PIPER AND PRUE (PAIGE WHO POSSESSED PRUE'S BODY) ARE SITTING WATCHING TV. PHOEBE ENTERS.  
  
PHOEBE: Hey guys.  
PIPER: Pheebs.  
PRUE: Shut up.  
PIPER: Me or her?  
PRUE: You god dammit! Halliwell-  
PIPER: Why do you keep calling me that? You could be referring to any one of us!  
  
PRUE CONJURES UP A FIREBALL.  
  
PIPER: But we all know it's me... ha ha! I'm quiet now. Look at me shutting up!  
PHOEBE: Prue - I mean, Paige. When did you get that power?  
PRUE: Had it all my life.  
PIPER: No you haven't-  
PRUE: Shut!  
  
THERE IS A CRASH FROM THE BASEMENT.  
  
PIPER: That's Paige again.  
PRUE: Way to state the obvious, Halliwell. And since you're referring to me as Paige now, call the one downstairs Prue will ya?  
PIPER: I might just... go check it out...  
PRUE: Yeah. Go on. Get out of here.  
  
PIPER EXITS.  
  
PRUE: I like you better anyway, Phoebe.  
  
*  
  
PIPER SLOWLY OPENS THE BASEMENT DOOR. SHE HEARS HEAVY BREATHING FROM BELOW. WE SEE PRUE ASTRAL PROJECT BEHIND HER. PIPER GASPS.  
  
PRUE: Heads up, Halliwell.  
  
PRUE PUSHES PIPER DOWN THE STAIRS AND LOCKS THE DOOR. PIPER ROLLS OVER AND LANDS AT PAIGE'S FEET.  
  
PIPER: Ahh! Paige!  
PAIGE: Oh please, like I'd ever wear clothes like hers.  
  
PIPER LOOKS HER UP AND DOWN. AS DOES PAIGE, HERSELF. SHE YELPS.  
  
PAIGE: Oh my god look at me I can't see my cleavage!  
PIPER: Prue?  
PAIGE: How did you guess?  
PIPER: Umm... what are you doing in Paige's body  
PAIGE: Ah she switched.  
PIPER: Okay. So now I'm locked down here with Paige AND Prue. I don't know which is worst.  
PAIGE: I know exactly what you mean. Wait a minute, no I don't!  
PIPER: So if you have her body, does that not mean you have her powers?  
PAIGE: Which are?  
PIPER: Geez there's so many I can't remember them all... the only one I do recollect is...  
PAIGE: Well?  
PIPER: Well, Flower Arranging.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PAIGE: Really she can do that? Wow!  
PIPER: What?  
PAIGE: Okay I'm gonna astral project up there and give her what for!  
PIPER: Okay!  
  
PAIGE'S BODY GOES LIMP AS SHE ASTRAL PROJECTS.  
  
PIPER: Yup I definitely see the attraction of kicking her butt while she's gone like that...  
  
TIME LAPSE. PIPER DELIVERS ANOTHER BLOW TO PAIGE, WHO IS ON THE FLOOR, STILL ASTRALLED OUT. PIPER WIPES HER BROW, A SMARMY SMIRK ON HER LIPS.  
  
PIPER: Oh yes.  
  
PAIGE ASTRALS BACK IN.  
  
PAIGE: Oh my god ow! Halliwell - did you do this to me?  
PIPER: Paige?  
PAIGE: What?   
PIPER: Okay then... I hear the door being unlocked. See ya!  
  
PIPER RUNS UP THE STAIRS, EXITS.  
  
PAIGE: Hey Halliwell! Get your butt back down here! Come on! Halliwell? Halliwell!  
  
SLIENCE.  
  
PAIGE: Piper?  
  
*  
  
BLACK.  
  
PRUE(OS): So I said "Yo - Paigeboy! Gimme back my body or I'll give you what for" and she handed it back over, whimpering like a kid!  
  
LAUGHTER.  
  
FADE IN: THE THREE ORIGIONAL HALLIWELLS ARE SEATED AT A TABLE, WITH LEO AND COLE. BUCKLANDS GUY IS ALSO THERE, FOR A MAN FOR PRUE. (JACK WASN'T HIS NAME? I PREFER BUCKLANDS GUY, SO WE'LL CALL HIM BUCKO FOR SHORT)  
  
PRUE: And that's the story!  
PIPER: More wine, anyone?  
LEO: Yeah, thanks.  
PIPER: Wow that's your eighth glass-  
PHOEBE: Bottle, actually.  
LEO: Since when did you keep tabs?  
PHOEBE: Since I got into trouble with the ominous Them for being an alcoholic, I'll have you know.  
COLE: Phoebe, you didn't tell me this.  
BUCKO: I was an alcoholic once. Yeah. I remember what it was like.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PRUE: Well Bucklands Guy? What was it like?  
BUCKO: Ah, yah know. I drank a lot.  
  
PAUSE. EVERYONE LAUGHS.  
  
PIPER: (aside, to Cole) Why am I laughing this isn't funny!  
COLE: (aside, to Piper) Same question!  
PRUE: What are you two whispering about?  
LEO: Can I have more wine?  
PIPER/COLE: Nothing.  
PRUE: If you're wondering why you're finding Bucklands Guy's awful jokes funny, it's cos I cast a spell on you guys. Happy?  
LEO: What about the consequ-  
PIPER: Honey? Put a sock in it. You don't normally mind when I use magic when we're doing you-know-what.  
LEO: What? Since when did you use magic for that?   
PIPER: You know... how else do you think I developed my freezing power so quickly and began to be able to freeze only certain parts of things?  
PHOEBE: Okay ew. Enough. (aside, to Prue) I want that power.  
PIPER: How else can you go for twenty minutes straight?  
COLE: Twenty minutes? Wow! That's like... the marathon for-  
PRUE: Okay guys, okay. We're eating here.  
BUCKO: Can I ask something? Prue, I haven't seen you for something like two years. How am I suddenly back at your house and completely comfortable with the fact that you're an extract from the Salem Chronicles?  
PIPER: You what?  
BUCKO: A witch. It was a joke.  
PIPER: Oh.   
  
ALL LAUGH.  
  
PIPER: (aside, to Cole) This is getting too much.  
COLE: (aside, to Piper) Please let me kill him, please.  
PRUE: Anyway, yah, well. I cast a little spell there too. Not only did I have to make everyone like you, but foremost I had to make you like me.  
BUCKO: Oh. That should disturb me, but it doesn't.  
PRUE: Isn't magic great?  
LEO: I'll drink to that!  
PHOEBE: Yeah happy Christmas everyone!  
  
SILENCE. ALL LOOK AT PHOEBE.  
  
PHOEBE: Oh crap. It's July isn't it?  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PIPER: No, it is Christmas, but we agreed that Bucklands Guy would be the first to say that.  
PRUE: Right on, sister.  
PIPER: (aside, to Cole) When did we agree that?  
COLE: (aside, to Piper) I don't know, but I have a good idea of someone who might've 'cast a little spell'.  
PRUE: What are you lookin at?  
PHOEBE: Okay. I'm goin to bed. Cole, sweetie, you comin?  
COLE: Nah I think I'll stay down with Piper for a while.  
PHOEBE: What??? Uh, I mean, okay, sure.  
LEO: Piper, you coming to bed?  
PIPER: Were you even listening to Cole?  
  
PHOEBE AND LEO EXIT.  
  
PRUE: Bucklands Guy? Guess what else I cast a spell for...?  
BUCKO: I'm sorry, you may be the strongest witch this side of the galaxy, but you can not charm me into bed with you. Nothing is that powerful.  
PRUE: I know, so:  
  
PRUE SMASHES BUCKLANDS GUY OVER THE HEAD WITH A VASE.  
  
PRUE: Night guys.  
PIPER: Night.  
COLE: Good luck.  
  
PRUE EXITS DRAGGING BUCKLANDS GUY.  
  
COLE: So.  
PIPER: So.  
COLE: Guess it's just you and me.  
PIPER: Guess so.  
  
  
END SCENE.  
  
VOICE OVER LADY: What will happen? Will Piper and Cole hit it off? Will Phoebe and Leo ever forgive their significant others? Will Bucklands Guy ever see the light? And will Prue realise that she has just eaten olive skin extracts, which she is allergic to. Next time on Charmeded:  
  
PIPER: Phoebe, look, I'm sorry he meant nothing to me!  
  
PHOEBE SLAPS PIPER ONE.  
  
*  
  
PIPER: Leo, look, I'm sorry he meant nothing to me!  
  
LEO SLAPS PIPER ONE.  
  
*  
  
PIPER: Prue, look, I'm sorry... wait why am I apologising to you?  
  
PRUE SLAPS PIPER ONE.  
  
*  
  
AS CREDITS ROLL:  
  
VOICE OVER LADY: That looks to be an action packed episode three of Charmeded, the show that's almost Charmed but not quite. Now with even more Shannen Doherty! I'm not sure if that's a good thing. See you next time!  
  
  



	3. Who Is That Squirrel?

CHARMEDED EPISODE 3: WHO'S THAT SQUIRREL?  
  
  
SCENE A: RECAP.  
  
PIPER: Yo I'm Piper. Hi. Umm... so. Okay. Right, umm, right, well, last time on Charmeded, me and Cole got quite close and, well I guess that was bad, since I'm all married and stuff. But he's in the clear, it's not like Phoebe can touch him, I mean, look at her! Sorry, you know who Phoebe is, right? The darkish blonde with the awful singing voice? Wait, I'll go get a photo.  
  
PIPER EXITS. LONG PAUSE. WE CAN HERE HER TALKING TO SOMEONE OFF CAMERA (OS)  
  
PIPER(OS): Hey sweetie!  
PRUE(OS): What do you want?  
PIPER(OS): Did I say I wanted... ah hell okay. You got a photo of Phoebe?  
PRUE(OS): Well, actually... I, well, I ate it.  
PIPER(OS): Prue!  
PRUE(OS): I know, I know. Gimme a break alright?  
PIPER(OS): Oh look here's one!  
PRUE(OS): Why was it on the floor?  
PIPER(OS): Dunno, but check her out! Has someone done voodoo on this?  
PRUE(OS): innocently I don't know.  
PIPER(OS): Prue?  
PRUE(OS): Wasn't me - promise.  
  
PIPER REAPPEARS AND HOLDS UP A TORN, MUTILATED PHOTO OF PHOEBE.  
  
PIPER: Hi again. This is Phoebe. I found this photo on the floor just a minute ago. Actually, Prue's just over there if you wanna see her?  
  
THE CAMERA SHAKES FROM SIDE TO SIDE.  
  
PIPER: Fair enough. I completely understand. I wouldn't wanna either.  
PRUE(OS): Piper!  
PIPER: Uh... gotta go!  
  
PIPER RUNS AWAY. SECONDS LATER, PRUE RUNS PAST THE CAMERA AFTER HER.   
  
PIPER(OS): No, Prue, it wasn't me I swear!   
  
WE HEAR A CRASH. THE CAMERA ZOOMS DOWN ON THE PHOTO OF PHOEBE ON THE FLOOR.  
  
PIPER(OS): Owwww.  
  
OPENING CREDITS.  
  
SCENE B:  
  
PHOEBE IS ALONE IN THE KITCHEN, AND PRESSES ON THE TOASTER. SHE SINGS TO HERSELF AS SHE WORKS.  
  
PHOEBE: Everybody wants to get a hold of me, suck my blood away. They're all out to ruin my cred-a-bil-i-ty, the value is me boy!  
  
THE TOASTER SPRINGS UP AND PHOEBE RETRIEVES HER POP TARTS FROM IT. LEO ENTERS AND STANDS BEHIND HER. NOT NOTICING, SHE PUTS THEM ON THE TABLE. WHILE HER BACK IS TURNED, LEO GRABS THE POP TARTS AND ORBS OUT SNIGGERING. PHOEBE TURNS AROUND HUMMING THEN STOPS:  
  
PHOEBE: And you went where? Hello? Pop tarts?  
  
PRUE ENTERS.  
  
PHOEBE: Here little sugary treats with yummy jam and icing!  
PRUE: Phoebe, talking to them won't get them cooked. I thought I taught you how to use the toaster.   
PHOEBE: I guess I forgot. I thought I made them, but...  
PRUE: It's alright, baby, it's alright. singing Tired of all the violence, we've lost lives enough...  
  
PRUE BLINKS.  
  
PRUE: Okay, where did that come from?  
  
PIPER ENTERS.  
  
PHOEBE: You know what I'm tired of? All the nudity - so much sex and without love.  
PIPER: You are not!  
PRUE: Piper, what are you tired of?  
PIPER: Oh, not this song again!  
  
PAUSE. PRUE AND PHOEBE WATCH PIPER EXPECTANTELY.  
  
PIPER: non-commitedly All the smokers blowing smoke in my face.  
  
PIPER EXITS.  
  
PRUE: Song? What's she talking about?  
PHOEBE: I'm tired of the same old boring models decorating every fashion page.  
PRUE: That's just cos they rejected your portfolio thirty-seven times!  
PHOEBE: And what does that say for you? You took my photo.  
  
PIPER ENTERS, GETTING A GLASS OF ORANGE JUICE.  
  
PRUE: Hey - don't blame my camera skills! Sometimes it's impossible to make a subject beautiful, no matter how camera-nerdy your lens and equipment is.  
PHOEBE: I'm sure I'd be insulted... if I understood what you'd just said.  
PRUE: It's because of my superior intellect that I can mindfully aggravate you.  
PHOEBE: You what?  
PIPER: (sighs) Phoebe! First she called you ugly then she called you dumb.  
  
PIPER EXITS. PAUSE.  
  
PHOEBE: Sheesh it's like you guys are talking in a different language! What was she all about?  
PRUE: Piper? Who knows?  
  
LEO ENTERS, EATING A POP TART.  
  
LEO: Hey girls.  
PHOEBE: Hey where'd you get that from?  
  
LEO STUFFS THE REST INTO HIS MOUTH.  
  
LEO: mumbled Get what from?  
PHOEBE: The pop tart?  
LEO: What's a pop tart?  
PHOEBE: Don't play dumb with me. I'm onto you.  
LEO: Have you guys seen Piper? She didn't come to bed last night.  
PHOEBE: That's funny, neither did Cole...  
PRUE: Neither did Bucklands Guy...  
  
THEY LOOK AT PRUE.  
  
PRUE: What, I can dream, can't I?  
PHOEBE: Leo... do you think they... last night?  
LEO: No. Piper wouldn't... or would she?  
PHOEBE: And Cole wouldn't... hell, who am I kidding he's an evil demon guy of course he would.  
PRUE: And it's only you, Phoebe.  
PHOEBE: Oh my god exactly! Leo, we gotta confront them.  
  
LEO AND PHOEBE EXIT. PRUE STARES AFTER THEM WISTFULLY. SHE THEN STOPS LOOKING WISTFUL.  
  
PRUE: Well, there's no point in looking wistfully if you don't know how or what wistful is.  
  
SHE RETURNS TO LOOKING WISTFUL.  
  
PRUE: What? So when I look like this:  
  
SHE PUTS ON A WISTFUL EXPRESSION.  
  
PRUE: That's wistful? Hell that's easy I do that all the time!  
  
PRUE WISTFULLY SITS DOWN AND GAZES WISTFULLY AT THE WALL.  
  
PRUE: The word 'wistful' now means nothing to me. Really. What is wist?   
  
SHE LOOKS DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA.  
  
PRUE: Hello? Answer me? You still there?  
  
THE CAMERA TURNS AND BEGINS TO RUN AWAY  
  
PRUE(OS): Yo hey come back! Where're you going? I'm not letting you get aw-ow! Oh! Oh! Oh! My leg! Who put that tripwire there?  
  
WE HEAR THE UNMISTAKABLE SOUND OF COLE HIDING IN A CUPBOARD SNICKERING.  
  
*  
  
LEO AND PHOEBE ARE SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM, PHOEBE IS ON HER LAPTOP.   
  
LEO: Well, what's it say?  
PHOEBE: According to this Vault of Demonology page, this demon is... bad.  
LEO: Yes, Phoebe, I know. But what're its powers, strengths and weaknesses? I asked you to go online to research for a reason.  
PHOEBE: I'm coming to that!  
  
SHE CLICKS FOR A FEW SECONDS.  
  
PHOEBE: Yes!!! I mean, okay. It's evil, and it likes... to kill people.   
LEO: Well done. Now say something I haven't just told you.  
PHOEBE: It's afraid of...  
LEO: Yes?  
  
PAUSE. PHOEBE SQUINTS AT THE SCREEN, SEARCHING.  
  
LEO: Want me to get your glasses?  
PHOEBE: No I'll get fired faster than you can say 'Prue sucks' if I wear those things.  
LEO: Okay. Can you read out what it says about what it's afraid of?  
  
PIPER ENTERS AND LOOKS OVER PHOEBE'S SHOULDER.  
  
PIPER: Jack on Queen.  
  
PHOEBE CLICKS ON THE COMPUTER.  
  
PIPER: Five on Six.  
PHOEBE: Where?  
PIPER: There.  
  
PIPER POINTS IT OUT ON THE SCREEN.  
  
PHOEBE: Cool, thanks.  
LEO: Hey you're playing Solitaire!  
PHOEBE: Piper, we wanna talk to you.  
PIPER: Okay.  
LEO: About Cole.  
PIPER: Okay I gotta go!  
PHOEBE: Not so fast, Missy!  
  
PHOEBE GESTURES LIKE SHE IS THROWING A FRISBEE.  
  
PIPER: What...?  
PHOEBE: Oh yeah it's Prue that has telekinesis.   
PIPER: deadpan Uh yeah.  
  
PIPER STARTS TO LEAVE.  
  
PHOEBE: But Piper you have to talk to us!  
PIPER: I really gotta hit the bathroom.  
LEO: Please! Don't say hit!  
  
THEY LOOK AT LEO.  
  
PHOEBE: Piper - don't go or else!  
PIPER: Or else what?  
PHOEBE: Else I'll... premonition you to death!  
PIPER: Is that possible?  
  
PHOEBE SAYS NOTHING BUT WATCHES PIPER WITH A MENACING LOOK IN HER EYES. IS SHE BLUFFING? PIPER SLOWLY AND AWKWARDLY SITS BACK DOWN.  
  
PIPER: Okay guys... please don't be mad.  
LEO: Piper, just tell us what happened. Please.  
PIPER: Okay. We - as in, Cole and me - we did it.  
PHOEBE: What? When? Where?  
PIPER: Last night, after you'd gone to bed. On the kitchen table.  
LEO: Ew I stole pop tarts off that!  
PHOEBE: Leo! So I do know how to work the toaster... Piper! How could you?  
PIPER: It meant nothing - I swear! He won anyway.  
LEO: Now you're sharing our games with him?  
PIPER: It's a family thing!  
PHOEBE: Ew gross!  
PIPER: What? We played scrabble!  
  
LONG HARD SILENCE.  
  
PHOEBE/LEO: WHAT? That's even worse!  
PIPER: How? Look, I'm really sorry, but I had all the vowels! And 's' and 't'! I couldn't afford to leave it like that!   
PHOEBE: Next you'll be saying you listened to 'Alyssa' together.  
LEO: Ah, remember when we listened to 'Alyssa'? That was funny.  
PHOEBE: Hey that is a top-quality lyrically genius..y CD.   
PIPER: Lyrically retarded you mean.  
PHOEBE: Just cos you like Meatloaf Leo!  
LEO: ... what's wrong with that?  
PIPER: Ew Leo! You're sleeping on the couch!  
LEO: I'm hungry. What's to eat?  
  
*  
  
VOICE OVER LADY: What will happen? Will Piper and Cole elope to the chess club? Will Leo get something to eat? What happened to Paige and will anyone ever notice that Prue is lying in the next room unconscious? Tune in next time for:  
  
PREVIEW:  
  
PHOEBE: I wanna learn an instrument. I'm thinking Kazoo.  
  
*  
  
PIPER: Oh my god there's something on my leg! Kill it! Kill it!  
COLE: It's your cat.  
PIPER: Really? Well would you look at that?  
  
*  
  
PHOEBE: I'm quitting the goddamn Kazoo! It's way too challenging! I hate it I hate it!  
  
STOMPS ON KAZOO, WHICH SCOOTS OUT FROM UNDER HER FOOT AND HITS PRUE IN THE EYE.  
  
PRUE: OWie! I can't see!!  
  
*  
  
VOICE OVER LADY: And that's all next time on Charmeded: the show that's almost Charmed but not quite!  
  
ROLL CREDITS.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
*  
  
  
  
  
ARTICLES ABOUT CHARMEDED FROM MAGAZINES:  
  
Here are some of the clippings I have kept from various magazines on Charmeded. Read them over and see what you think! Not all are positive, and some are just pointless, but I didn't make them, or the magazines up. Ahem.   
  
  
  
SKANKY WOMEN WEEKLY  
  
Charmeded is the word on everybody's lips and the show on everybody's television sets. Starring three beaut... youn... three women with two male co-stars and a cat, this sci-fi series is all about witchcraft and demons. Much like the WB's Charmed, but as Charmeded's slogan suggests, it's almost Charmed but not quite. What a show! And if you don't find your mouth watering over the hunky male stars, there's a whole selection of sexy scale and horn-clad demons to take your pick from.  
  
  
DYSENTERY DOHERTY  
  
Shannen's done it again with her hit series Charmeded. After allegedly being sacked from her previous TV show, Charmed, Doherty vowed to get her own back on show producer, Aaron Spelling. This show involves the same actors, characters and plot as the 'less-good' Charmed, and delivers it all with a refreshing twist of wit and decent acting. Three thumbs up!  
  
  
THE WB MAGAZINE  
  
So, this is what other competing stations have been reduced to: ripping off WB shows and attempting to win in the ratings stakes. Well, suffice to say Mr Spelling is not best pleased, and is currently on holiday in Iowa.   
  
But when he comes back he will deal very harshly with the deemed popular 'Charmeded' and this reporter thinks that is a threat to be wary of. Yes, that's right, the show is called 'Charmeded' and the familiar catchy slogan is 'the show that's almost Charmed, but not quite'. I have yet to see the distasteful show, as it is, of course, on an inferior channel and network. The WB has released this statement: "We are not in the slightest concerned about Charmeded, because in most cases, the origional always comes out tops. Which, of course, is our very own home bred Charmed. Aaron Spelling will be having words with his cast which incidentally, also star on Charmeded, and will hopefully convince them that 'the WB is the place to be'!" Well, here's hoping.  
  
  
REAL TV  
  
At the moment, everyone seems to have gone AWOL over new series Charmeded, a supernatural show with a, once unthinkable, popular view on witchcraft. REAL TV has set up an interview with one of the stars, Brain Krause, which will be featured alongside our Charmeded poster-boy special in a few weeks time.  
  
  
CHARMED QUARTERLY  
  
New sci-fi series, Charmeded is set to beat Charmed in cases of ratings, but the makers of Charmed are positive that their actors will not be making the move to shoot one show only, and will continue to star in both series' (excepting, of course, Shannen Doherty who was fired, contrary to whatever that little ***** says) Which must be quite a strain on all of the actors, with their filming time for the next few years being completely booked up, forcing them to work round the clock to manage both series'. On being asked what it was like with such a hectic schedule, Holly Marie Combs replied with "Get out of my way ****head, I'm late!". Aww, bless her little cotton socks!   
  
  
ALYSSA MILANO MAGAZINE FOR GIRLS  
  
We are sorry to say this is the last of the AMMFG magazines, because we have sold, out of a total of five months (10 magazines) a grand total of: 42 magazines. And we print hundreds of each one. Alyssa Milano said on this topic "My magazine is closing down? Oh man! Well, to tell you the truth, even I stay well away from it. Watch Charmeded. And Charmed!" before rushing off. Yes, Charmeded, the show that's almost Charmed but not quite. We here at AMMFG are avid viewers of it, and for some reason not just because our adorable Milano stars. The combination of good acting, good actors, good looking, good plots, good special effects, with everything, on average, good, the show is both addictive and enjoyable. We'd write more, but valuable typing space is runnin-  
  
  
CHARMEDED MAGAZINE  
  
Editor's Column  
  
Hi there everyone! Well, its the beginning of a new kind of television viewing. A new kind of viewing, which my show Charmeded will hopefully be recognised as the turning point. I enjoy working on the show very much, although I am told to stay clear from directing it! It's nice to work with Combs again, although I can't say much for Milano. Anyway! I was asked if I would frontline and start the magazine, and I'm thinking of offering everybody their own columns, so you can get the news straight from us, the stars, and not some stupid E! Magazine. Well, I have to go rehearse! Enjoy the magazine and I'll see you in Charmeded!  
Love, Shannen  
EDITOR  
  
  
C! MAGAZINE  
  
What an insult to the experienced television viewers in this world (ie, everyone who has a tv) Those jokers at the television studios have once again unleashed a wave of brutal plotlines, uneven camera work, scatty lines and even scattier actors (Alyssa Milano? I ask you!) The only thing which saves it from being a complete failure is the delightfully tolerable Holly Marie Combs, with her often fantastical wit and pretty face, she keeps the show on it's feet with hilarious one-liners even when there's nothing to joke about. If, however doubtful it is, you re not a fan of Combs, C! advises you to stay well clear of this monstrosity. Plotlines are dull to flat out sleep-inducing, making the phrase 'seen one, seen all' come to mind. Often. Really, a failure of a show and whoever thought of it should be castrated. 0 out of 10. Well, maybe 0.5 for the effort of Combs.  
  
  
VIEW ASKEW COMICS  
  
Kevin Smith asked us several times to review a new show, Charmeded as a thank you to his twice hired actress, Shannen Doherty. Ah yes, who remembers Mallrats? With the wonderfully wicked Doherty as Rene, the star drum player and 'course' girlfriend of our very own Jason Lee! And her upcoming appearance in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, how could we not write? On watching the show, we found it as addictive as the Powerpuff Girls (and you Powerpuff fans know what we're talking about) with many opportunities to have an appreciative giggle. Also we found references to Mallrats, and obvious Chasing Amy lines, which is always a plus in any type of media, and which were of course very well received and made us smile more than once. Overall, this is a very nice effort from the makers, and we recommend it to any fans of Doherty, Holly Marie Combs, and the beautifully formed Alyssa Milano. And anyone else. Snoogins.  
  
  
REAL TV  
  
As mentioned a few weeks ago, it turns out Brain Krause is not available for our interview. We apologise for any inconveinience and hurt feelings. Still, we still have our Charmeded Poster Boy special coming up soon.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
NB: Any likeness to real magazines is either, well meant to be or sheer coincidence. These are NOT real articles, Charmeded is NOT a real show. Like you needed told.  
  
If you have 'found' an 'article' you'd like to 'submit' from a 'magazine' into the next reviews page, please email them to me at kaytee83@hotmail.com and I will compile them into another page, no matter how harsh or... nice they are. Name the magazine you are 'reporting' for, and, if you like, the 'reporter's name'.   
  
Could I use 'inverted commas' any more?  
kt 


	4. All For The Nookie

CHARMEDED EPISODE 4: ALL FOR THE NOOKIE  
  
  
SCENE A: RECAP  
  
PRUE IS SITTING AT THE TABLE WITH HER ANKLE IN A CAST.   
  
PRUE: Hi, I'm Prue, some may say I'm the star of the show-  
PHOEBE(OS): Many won't!  
PRUE: Phoebe!  
  
SHE TRIES TO GET UP BUT FAILS.  
  
PRUE: God dammit! (to Phoebe, looking to her right) Just you wait till I get this cast off then guess where it's going?   
  
PAUSE. PRUE WATCHES PHOEBE WHO WE STILL CAN'T SEE.  
  
PRUE: Huh! You little... you come over here and do that!  
  
PHOEBE APPEARS ON SCREEN AND PUTS HER HANDS AT HER EARS AND STICKS HER TONGUE OUT AT PRUE. SUDDENLY SHE IS HAULED BACK BY HER HAIR, WHICH PRUE HAS GRABBED. SHE IS FORCED TO SIT ON THE FLOOR.  
  
PHOEBE: Ow Prue, please, let me go!  
PRUE: You're lucky my kickin foots hurts just now. Now get outta here!  
  
SHE LETS GO OF HER HAIR. PHOEBE CRAWLS AWAY SNIVELING. PRUE LOOKS BACK AT THE CAMERA.  
  
PRUE: Sisters. You can't live with 'em, but you're not allowed to kill 'em. Anyway, where was I...  
  
CAMERA STARTS TO FADE OUT.  
  
PRUE: Hey! Hey it's my turn to do the recap! You can't fade out! I'm talking! I remember where I was now! Hey! Come back! It's me - Prue! I need to...  
  
BLACK. ROLL OPENING CREDITS.  
  
*  
  
SCENE B:  
  
PHOEBE IS TAKING A SHOWER. SHE IS SINGING TO HERSELF.  
  
PHOEBE: Happiness is when you're here with me, my heart fills with joy oh can't you see?  
  
COLE ENTERS AND BEGINS BRUSHING HIS TEETH.  
  
COLE: Leo? Just thought I'd ask you, I'm kinda low on funds at the moment so... what am I thinking? You don't have any money! Ha ha!  
PHOEBE: Happiness is when you're here with me-  
COLE: Phoebe? I know the next line, sings Or when you're out of town! No, that's the Prue version...  
  
PHOEBE PULLS OPEN THE CURTAIN.  
  
PHOEBE: Oh my god Cole!  
COLE: What I've seen you naked thousands of... oh dear lord... Phoebe! Nice orbs!  
  
PHOEBE CLOSES THE CURTAINS AGAIN. COLE EXITS. AFTER A WHILE, SHE CAUTIOUSLY POKES HER HEAD OUT AND LOOKS AROUND. THE ROOM IS EMPTY.  
  
PHOEBE: Nice orbs, he says! Wow!  
  
SHE SMILES AND DISAPPEARS BACK INTO THE SHOWER.  
  
PHOEBE: Happiness is when you're here with me...  
  
*  
  
LIVING ROOM. PRUE, PIPER AND LEO ARE SITTING HAVING A NICE, FRIENDLY FAMILY CONVERSATION.  
  
PRUE: Piper, I just think-  
PIPER: Screw it, Prue! It's always about what you think, what you want, screw everybody else, my **** is more important-  
PRUE: Hey hey hey! Calm down! Focus (pronounced 'fukus')  
LEO: That's what I was thinking.  
PRUE: That's amazing.  
PIPER: That's disgusting!  
PRUE: Leo, where were you thinking we could... rock the CAS bomb?  
LEO: Well... I have this Volkswagen...  
PRUE: What? That's like the most uncomfortable place!  
PIPER: Believe me, there's worse.  
  
BOTH STOP AND STARE AT PIPER.  
  
PIPER: What? I'm not saying anything.  
  
BOTH EDGE AWAY FROM PIPER. COLE ENTERS WITH A VIDEO.  
  
COLE: Hey look I rented out one of my old favourites!  
  
HE HOLDS UP 'MALLRATS'.  
  
PIPER: Oh please.  
PRUE: That has a bad script, worse actors and-  
LEO: It's just bad.  
PIPER: I heard that dip**** Kevin Smith publicly apologised for that.  
COLE: What you actually took that seriously?  
  
ALL NOD.  
  
COLE: Umm tough room. I'll go watch it with Phoebe.  
LEO: How do you know she'll like it?  
COLE: You kidding? You seen the stuff she watches?  
PIPER: And besides, you can just tell her who to hate on screen, and she'll watch like a hawk so she can bitch about them after.  
  
COLE EXITS.  
  
PRUE: What were we talking about before?  
LEO: Hell if I know.  
  
LEO ORBS OUT.  
  
PIPER: What the... where that ****head go?  
PRUE: Looks like it's just us.  
PIPER: Gyyyah!  
PRUE: Is that gyyyah good or gyyyah bad?  
PIPER: What do you think?  
PRUE: ... bad.  
PIPER: As always, you're correct. ***hole.  
  
*  
  
PHOEBE'S ROOM. PHOEBE AND COLE ARE SETTLING DOWN TO WATCH THE FABULOUS MALLRATS. LEO ORBS IN.  
  
LEO: I actually love this movie.  
COLE: Leo, check it out!  
  
COLE DOES THE JEDI MIND TRICK.  
  
LEO: Cool! You can really do it!  
COLE: I practised since I first saw this movie.  
  
HE LIGHTS CIGARETTES AND HANDS THEM OUT.  
  
PHOEBE: Shhh it's starting.  
COLE: Okay. Phoebe, who do you hate?  
PHOEBE: Rene.  
LEO: Ha ha ha!  
  
*  
  
FRONT DOOR. BUCKLANDS GUY RINGS THE BELL HE IS HOLDING A BOX OF CHOCOLATES. PIPER ANSWERS.  
  
BUCKO: Hi, is Prue in?  
PIPER: Ummm let me check.  
  
SHE OPENS THE DOOR SO BUCKLANDS GUY CAN SEE PRUE STANDING FURTHER DOWN THE HALL. HE SMILES AND WAVES. SHE AVERTS HER EYES.   
  
PIPER: Prue? You in?   
  
PRUE SHAKES HER HEAD NO.  
  
PIPER: I'm sorry, she must be out just now.  
BUCKO: What? She's standing right there!  
PIPER: No she's not...  
BUCKO: I saw her!  
PIPER: Goodbye! Oh are those for me? I mean, her?  
BUCKO: Well actually-  
  
PIPER GRABS THE CHOCOLATES AND SLAMS THE DOOR IN HIS FACE.  
  
BUCKO: I'm diabetic. Those were kinda keeping me alive. I kinda needed one now... I don't feel so good.  
  
HE WALKS AWAY STRANGELY.  
  
*  
  
PIPER AND LEO ARE IN THE LIVING ROOM. THE NEWS COMES ON. COLE ENTERS AND STANDS SILENTLY BEHIND THEM.  
  
NEWS: And there has been a report of a hit and run in south side San Francisco. A young man suffering diabetes was hit by a Volkswagen just outside a very large pink mansion. He has been identified as Bucklands Guy-  
PIPER: Oh my god!  
NEWS: And was reported to have been staggering across the road when he was hit by the car.   
LEO: Ahem.  
PIPER: Leo... you... have a Volkswagen.  
LEO: I know.  
PIPER: Did you...?  
LEO: No, I didn't, I swear.  
COLE: It was me. I knocked him down.  
  
SILENCE.  
  
COLE: I just couldn't handle any more of those awful jokes.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PIPER: Good on ya Cole.  
COLE: Thanks.  
LEO: Damn if you get that kind of response I wish I'd thought of knockin him down!  
COLE: Ah, yah know.  
  
HE IS BEGINNING TO BLUSH.  
  
COLE: It's my killer instinct and all.  
PIPER: You're cool Cole.  
COLE: Ah stop it you guys!  
LEO: Yeah Piper, stop it.  
PIPER: Cole, when I first saw you, I thought 'man, he's an okay guy!' But now, now it's like 'Man! He rocks!'  
COLE: Okay, Piper, okay.  
PIPER: And you are the man!  
COLE: Quit it, you're starting to piss me off now.  
PIPER: I mean, wow! You are... wow!!  
COLE: Piper! Will you shut the hell up before I do it for you? God!  
  
PIPER FINALLY SHUTS UP. COLE STORMS OUT. LEO SITS NEXT TO HER, IN THE HUFF.  
  
LEO: Yeah Piper.  
  
SHE HITS HIM.   
  
PIPER: I don't like Cole anymore. He's a ****bag.  
LEO: Well, I guess I'm the only man in your life again!  
  
PHOEBE ENTERS.  
  
PIPER: I know. Gyyyah!  
LEO: Is that a gyyyah bad or gyyyah good?  
PIPER: You said bad first! You're such a pessimist!  
PHOEBE: Wow not stumbling on a married arguement, am I?  
PIPER: No, just cute happily married banter is so hard, right sweetie?  
PHOEBE: Oh. Right.  
LEO: Disappointed, Pheebs?  
PHOEBE: No, no, of course not.  
  
PHOEBE EXITS CURSING UNDER HER BREATH.  
  
PIPER: She's so funny.  
  
*  
  
VOICE OVER LADY: Will Leo and Piper ever have cute happy couple chit chat sessions? Will Prue ever find out that Bucklands Guy was killed? Will she even care? And will Piper ever stop swearing? Find out next time:  
  
*  
  
PHOEBE: Cole, I got something to tell you... when I was seventeen or so, I was a teenybopper pop star.  
COLE: What? Phoebe, I don't know if I will get over this.  
PHOEBE: No! No, it's not like I was popular or anything!  
  
*  
  
BUCKO: Ooh I'm back from the dead wooooooooooh!  
PIPER: You're back again? Cole! You didn't kill him properly last time!  
COLE: Be right there!  
  
COLE JUMPS IN PACKING A ROARING CHAINSAW.  
  
COLE: Slim Shady eat your heart out.  
  
*  
  
PAIGE: Ha! I'm back and you can't get rid of me!  
PRUE: Cole, can I borrow that chainsaw?  
  
*  
  
AS CREDITS ROLL:  
  
VOICE OVER MAN: Wow looks fascinating! We're now halfway through the series, watch next time to find details of how you can ask the cast questions in their press conference in a few weeks time. Rumours have it that there will be some very special guest stars on the next episode, but you'll have to watch to find out who. And next Paige, Phoebe and Piper have demons to battle in Charmed.  
  



	5. Now Youre Suckered In

CHARMEDED EPISODE 5: NOW YOU'RE SUCKERED IN  
  
  
SCENE A: TEASER  
  
PIPER, PRUE AND PHOEBE ARE STANDING AT MICROPHONES, PIPER HAS A BASS GUITAR, PRUE HAS A A DOUBLENECK ELECTRIC 7 AND 6 STRING GUITAR (MMM). AND PHOEBE HAS A TAMBOURINE. COLE IS ON DRUMS AND LEO IS ON ACOUSTIC GUITAR. THEY BEGIN PLAYING 'ALL YOU WANT' BY DIDO.  
  
PHOEBE: I like to watch you sleep at night  
PIPER: Huh?  
PHOEBE: To hear you-  
PRUE: Breathe!  
PIPER: Yech stay out of my bedroom!  
  
PHOEBE GLARES AT PRUE.  
  
PHOEBE/PRUE: By my side. And although-  
  
PRUE SMACKS PHOEBE WITH HER DOUBLENECK.  
  
PRUE: Sleep leaves me behind, there's nowhere I'd-  
PHOEBE: Rather be!  
  
IN THE LITTLE INTERLUDE, PHOEBE AND PRUE GIVE EACH OTHER EVILS.  
  
PRUE/PHOEBE: And now our bed is oh so cold  
  
PIPER STARTS TO LAUGH AS PRUE AND PHOEBE TRY TO DROWN EACH OTHER OUT.  
  
PHOEBE: My hands feel empty, with no one to hold  
PRUE: Loser.  
PRUE/PHOEBE: And I can sleep what side I want.  
PIPER: I wouldn't like to sleep in your bed!  
PRUE: It's not the same  
PHOEBE: With you gone  
PRUE: Damn right - it's better!  
  
PRUE SHOVES PHOEBE WHO FALLS OVER.  
  
PRUE: Oh, if you'd come home...  
  
SHE REALISES EVERYONE HAS STOPPED. SHE LOOKS OVER AT LEO AND COLE QUESTIONINGLY.  
  
COLE: The tambourine kept us in time...  
SHANNEN: Alyssa! God dammit!  
ALYSSA: What?  
SHANNEN: Remember, I'm the singer!  
ALYSSA: But I can do it much better than y-  
  
SHANNEN JABS ALYSSA WITH HER GUITAR. ALYSSA FALLS OVER.  
  
SHANNEN: You're such a bad singer the only way I'd ever listen to your records were if I had killed forty seven people and was sniper shot by the hostage rescue team, and this was my time in purgatory!  
HOLLY: Oow zinger!  
  
JULIAN DOES A DRUM ROLL. ALYSSA GETS UP.  
  
ALYSSA: Yeah? Well, you suck too! The only way I'd ever listen to your records were if I had killed forty seven people and was sniper shot by the hostage rescue team, and this was my time in purgatory!  
SHANNEN: What?  
HOLLY: Boo!  
BRAIN: Alyssa, I'm guessing you wanted to turn her insult back into her, but you kinda failed.  
SHANNEN: Yeah you're a failure. And are you that big a retard that you didn't know I don't have any records?  
ALYSSA: Oh yeah?  
  
ALYSSA JUMPS OFF THE STAGE.  
  
ALYSSA: Wait here - I'll prove it.  
JULIAN: Come back in character! We're gonna start filming soon.  
HOLLY: We already did.   
ALYSSA: Be right back!  
  
SHE SCUTTLES OFF.  
  
SHANNEN: She's bluffing. I mean, lying. What a little dumbass.  
BRAIN: What was she doing in this scene anyway?  
HOLLY: Playing the tambourine.   
SHANNEN: Yeah, if you could call it that.  
HOLLY: Well, last week she was learning the kazoo.  
JULIAN: Ich, I know. I had to bear the brunt of that little thing so I...  
BRAIN: You what?  
JULIAN: ... I made her swallow it.  
SHANNEN: So that's why she's squeakier than usual.  
JULIAN: Well she wouldn't stop so I shoved it down her throat. She hardly resisted at all!  
HOLLY: You forgot your anger-management class didn't you?  
SHANNEN: No problem, we all do sometimes.  
  
A STRING ON HER DOUBLENECK SNAPS.  
  
SHANNEN: God dammit! Could this freakin day get any worse? Where is the maker of this piece of crap, that Gibson Les Paul guy I swear when I find him I am gonna stick this so far up his-  
  
ROLL OPENING CREDITS.  
  
*  
  
SCENE B:   
  
THE CAST, NOW IN CHARACTER, ARE STILL ON STAGE, NOW PIPER AND PRUE ARE SITTING ON THE EDGE AND HAVE 'LOST' THEIR RESPECTIVE INSTRUMENTS. LEO AND COLE ARE NOWHERE TO BE SEEN.  
  
PIPER: So, Phoebe's been gone a while.  
PRUE: Yeah. But she's lying. I don't have any songs.  
PIPER: I know, sweetie. So what happened after the guy who made your guitar talked to you?  
PRUE: What? The Gibson Les Paul guy? Oh I stuck to my promise. Look there he is there!  
  
THE GIBSON LES PAUL GUY LIMPS PAST.  
  
PIPER: Owie he must be hurting a lot.  
PRUE: There's nothing quite like vengeance when you're pissed.  
PIPER: But now you're gonna have to buy a new guitar.  
PRUE: ****. Never thought of that.  
PIPER: That's what happens when you miss your anger management class!  
PRUE: Piper. Don't say I told you so or that bass of yours will be finding itself in a 'very uncomfortable place'.  
PIPER: Sorry! Sorry. Look at me shushing!  
  
PHOEBE ENTERS WITH A CD.  
  
PRUE: Oh brother.  
PHOEBE: Sister, actually. I found it!  
  
SHE SHOWS THEM THE CD. IT IS AN OLD ALYSSA MILANO CD WITH A TATTY PHOTO OF PRUE GLUED TO THE FRONT, AND THE TITLE 'PRUE' HAS BEEN WRITTEN ON IN MARKER PEN.  
  
PRUE: Phoebe, this is some old crap teenybop cd. We're not totally stupid.  
PIPER: Oh, just humour her for once. Well would you look at that! Prue does have cd of her-  
  
PRUE USES HER POWER AND THROWS PIPER ACROSS THE ROOM.  
  
PHOEBE: You're just jealous.  
PRUE: You're just about to get brain damage!  
  
USING HER POWERS, PRUE BURSTS EACH AND EVERY DRUM OVER PHOEBE'S HEAD, SO NOT ONLY DOES HER HEAD HURT, BUT ALL OF THE DRUMS ARE ENCOMPASSING HER BODY AND SHE IS TRAPPED INSIDE THEM.  
  
PRUE: Oh no, poor Pheebs can't move! What would happen if she... fell over?  
PHOEBE: Prue! No!  
PRUE: I hated this thing, you were so bad at something so simple!  
  
PRUE PHYSICALLY SMASHES THE TAMBOURINE OVER PHOEBE'S HEAD AND KICKS HER SO SHE FALLS OVER.  
  
PRUE: Damn I was hoping this room was sloped so you'd roll away. Oh well.  
  
PRUE EXITS.  
  
PRUE(OS): Leo, Cole? Were gonna have to buy new equipment, Phoebe burst all the drums.  
PHOEBE: Oooh.  
PIPER: Ow! Damn Phoebe that's your fault! I was trying to be nice and look where it got me - flying into the goddamn wall!  
PHOEBE: Sorry. I really thought we were past that physical violence stuff.  
PIPER: With Prue? Good one, Phoebe. That's funny. Prue will continue to hit us unless we do something about it.   
PHOEBE: And?  
PIPER: I'm not. Now, I'm sure after all that you're feeling drowsy.   
PHOEBE: Well yeah...  
PIPER: I know I am. So what say we just sit back and let the unconsciousness wash over?  
PHOEBE: Sounds like a plan!  
  
THEY RELAX. SILENCE.  
  
*  
  
PHOEBE IS IN THE LIVING ROOM WATCHING THE POWERPUFF GIRLS. PIPER ENTERS.  
  
PHOEBE: Hey Piper - check it out - it's like the cartoon version of us!  
PIPER: What? Phoebe-  
PHOEBE: No, watch. The one with black hair is Prue, the cute one with blonde hair is me...  
PIPER: And I'm the ginger one? No thanks-  
PHOEBE: No watch for a minute!  
  
WE WATCH THE TELEVISION:  
  
BUTTERCUP: Come on! Let's go kick his butt!  
BLOSSOM: No, maybe we should think this thing through.  
BUBBLES: Why can't we all be nice! Hee hee let's play a game!  
  
WE'RE BACK IN THE MANOR AGAIN.  
  
PIPER: My god! Wow! You're so right! The Prue one even looks like her!  
PHOEBE: Yeah what with the green eyes and all. But don't tell Prue cos she'll kill me for comparing her to a cartoon.  
PIPER: (scheming) Hmmm.  
  
LEO ENTERS.  
  
PHOEBE: And here's our Professer Utonium!  
LEO: Come on - I'm not like him! I'm more like... MoJo JoJo! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.  
PHOEBE: What? He's evil! Ahhhh!  
  
PHOEBE JUMPS ON LEO AND STARTS KICKING HIS HEAD IN. PRUE ENTERS.  
  
PRUE: Huh! Get off my brother-in-law!  
  
SHE TK'S PHOEBE INTO THE WALL, AND RUSHES TO LEO'S SIDE.  
  
PRUE: Leo, sweetie, you okay?  
LEO: I'll live.  
  
PRUE GIVES PHOEBE EVILS.  
  
PIPER: This doesn't seem quite right. Prue? Did Paige take over your body again?  
PRUE: No, dumbass, Paige hated you, not Phoebe.  
LEO: Yeah Piper, I thought that was the givaway that Prue was possessed.  
PIPER: True, true.  
PHOEBE: Where's Cole?  
PRUE: Where's Bucklands Guy?  
  
SILENCE.  
  
PRUE: Guys? What's wrong?  
PIPER: Um, sweetie... Bucklands Guy...  
PRUE: What? Is there somebody else? Phoebe???  
  
PRUE RAISES HER HAND TOWARDS PHOEBE. PHOEBE COWERS.  
  
PHOEBE: No! No he's just dead please don't hurt me I didn't touch him!  
PRUE: He's... dead?  
LEO: I'm sorry Prue.  
PRUE: ... dammit! I thought my days of being a necrophiliac were over!  
PIPER: Mabe we should leave you alone.  
PRUE: No, no it's alright. I'd prefer company.  
  
EVERYONE BUT PRUE LEAVES.   
  
PRUE: Were you even listening?  
  
THE DOORBELL RINGS. PRUE ANSWERS IT.  
  
PRUE: Oh my god...  
  
SUDDENLY SHE IS PUNCHED IN THE FACE AND KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS.  
  
BUFFY: Okay, someone tie her up and I'll find the others.  
XANDER: Wait, which one was that?  
BUFFY: Crap, meant to find that out before I decked her...  
GILES: Buffy, you cannot simply-  
BUFFY: Yeah yeah yadayadayada. Ask her when she comes to.  
  
BUFFY ENTERS THE MANOR. WILLOW, XANDER AND GILES GRAB PRUE AND CARRY HER INTO THE LIVING ROOM.  
  
*  
  
KITCHEN. LEO PHOEBE AND PIPER ARE STANDING AROUND WITH COFFEE.   
  
LEO: Something weird is going on with Prue. If only we had more books.  
PHOEBE: Like in Buffy.  
  
BUFFY SILENTLY ENTERS.  
  
PIPER: Yeah - where's Buffy when you need her?  
BUFFY: Right here.  
PHOEBE: I'm sure you've said that before, Piper.  
PIPER: I know, but I thought it suited the moment.  
BUFFY: Hello?  
  
THEY NOTICE HER.  
  
PIPER: Oh hi.  
PHOEBE: Coffee?  
LEO: Guys! That's Buffy!  
PIPER: It is?  
PHOEBE: Wow - so it is! Hi Buffy!  
BUFFY: How the hell do you know my name?   
LEO: She doesn't look too happy.  
BUFFY: Who are you?  
LEO: I'm just leaving...  
  
LEO ORBS OUT.  
  
BUFFY: What the? What are you guys?  
  
BUFFY TAKES OUT A CROSSBOW.  
  
PIPER: Oh my god!  
  
PIPER FREEZES BUFFY.  
  
PHOEBE: Piper! You can't do that to Buffy! She'll kick your ass!  
PIPER: Not if we kick hers first. Prue!  
PHOEBE: Was she gonna shoot us?  
PIPER: Ya think? Come on, we have to find Prue, I'll try to hold the freeze.  
  
PIPER AND PHOEBE EXIT. BUFFY UNFREEZES. SHE LOOKS AROUD, BAFFLED.  
  
BUFFY: You are now in Weirdsville. Population: you.  
  
BUFFY EXITS.  
  
*  
  
LIVING ROOM. BUFFY ENTERS TO FIND ALL THREE CHARMEDED ONES TIED TO CHAIRS. PRUE IS STILL OUT COLD.  
  
BUFFY: That easy huh?  
PIPER: I still just can't figure out how we have so many chairs.  
BUFFY: Okay. Now you're gonna tell me stuff. Stuff I wanna know. And if you don't offer the information, I'm gonna have to make you tell me.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...  
  
*  
  
VOICE OVER LADY: Oooh what will happen in this exciting crossover two-parter? Will the Charmeded Ones ever escape? Will Buffy and Co liquidise them? Will Leo ever stop being a coward? Find out next time on Charmeded: The Show That's Almost Charmed But Not Quite.  
  
ROLL CREDITS.  
  
  
VOICE OVER MAN: Well, look the makers aren't giving anything away - there are no previews of the next episodes, that's very very exciting. Ahem. Attention all fans of the hit TV series, Charmeded. The stars will be holding an exclusive press conference in a few weeks time to celebrate the screening of their eighth and final climatic episode on television across the globe. The Daily Fling Cabinet Newspaper plans to give full coverage of the event, and will ask a few emailed questions to the stars. See below for details of how your question could be pitched to the perfect cast, and how you could win... well, nothing.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
If you would like to see if your question could be asked to the stars of Charmeded, please email a short question to kaytee83@hotmail.com You may leave your name if you would like the question to be credited to you in the coverage, which will be available after the screening of the eigth and last episode of the current series. 


	6. Two Parter: Part Two

CHARMEDED EPISODE SIX: TWO PARTER: PART TWO  
  
  
SCENE A: RECAP  
  
  
LEO IS SITTING IN PIPER'S BEDROOM. WHEN HE NOTICES THE CAMERA, HE INDICATES US TO BE QUIET.  
  
LEO: whispered Hi, I'm Leo the Whitelighter. Downstairs, Buffy The Vampire Slayer and three of her friends have taken Piper and the other two, I forget their names, hostage. We don't know why yet, but Buffy and Co burst into the manor, knocking out Prue and I think the other two are tied up downstairs. I orbed out just in time so I could think about what to do, though some people think I was being a chicken. I'm not. So far I've come up with... nothing. Cole seems to have disappeared and I could really use his help.  
  
COLE SHIMMERS IN.  
  
LEO: Cool!  
COLE: What's the problem?  
LEO: Aw man I have to explain it all again? (sighs) Alright. Downstairs, Buffy The Vampire Slayer and three of her friends have taken Piper and the other two...  
  
FADE OUT.   
FADE IN.  
  
LEO: ... come up with... nothing.  
COLE: Right. Well, we should really rescue them.  
LEO: We should eh?  
COLE: ... wanna watch Mallrats first?  
LEO: Okay.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
COLE: Damn I forgot I took it back to the video store!  
LEO: Oh well, looks like we're gonna have to save them after all.  
  
OPENING CREDITS.  
  
SCENE B:  
  
LIVING ROOM. PRUE COMES TO. SHE IS TIED TO A CHAIR. PHOEBE AND PIPER ARE ALSO TIED TO CHAIRS.   
  
PRUE: Ha ha you idiots. I have telekinesis - you forgot to cover my eyes.  
  
SHE SQUINTS AT THEM BUT NOTHING HAPPENS.   
  
WILLOW: Extra thick contact lenses - you now have evil green eyes.  
XANDER: Yeah you look like that black haired one from the Powerpuff Girls.  
PHOEBE: See?  
PIPER: Ha ha ha that's funny!  
GILES: Oh! She's attacking!  
WILLOW: Buffy!  
  
BUFFY ENTERS AND SMACKS PIPER OVER THE HEAD.  
  
PHOEBE: Ohh Buffy. I wouldn't do that she'll blow you up.  
BUFFY: What? She can blow stuff up?  
PIPER: Yeah, and if you don't untie me... KABLAMMO! You're dust!  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PHOEBE: If you don't want her to blow you up, it's okay. She can't cos her hands are tied behind her back.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PIPER: Phoebe! Your stupidity astounds me!  
PHOEBE: What? We're losing, if I switch teams I get to win! Besides, you say 'kablammo' and you're calling me stupid?  
PRUE: Phoebe I'm gonna kick your ass later!  
BUFFY: I sense a dysfunctional family. (to Phoebe) Now are you gonna cause any problems?  
PHOEBE: Hey I can't touch you.   
GILES: Really? What are your powers?  
PHOEBE: Well, premonitions. I had an active power, levitation, for about three weeks, but then it sorta disappeared.  
PIPER: Yeah what happened to that?  
PHOEBE: I think I lost it cos I didn't make as big a deal as you did when you got your new power.  
PIPER: Hey I did not make a big deal!  
PHOEBE: Did you not see yourself? "Oh my god I can never touch anything again! Stay away from me you guys, I don't wanna hurt anyone. Help me - get the Elders to take it back! Leo, save me! I'm so depressed, my life is ruined!" We all knew you were loving every minute of it.  
PRUE: That's, well, that's actually true.  
  
PIPER IS STUNNED INTO SILENCE.  
  
PRUE: Leo!  
BUFFY: Who's Leo?  
PHOEBE: Piper's husband - the guy who orbed out through there.  
WILLOW: Piper. Huh that's a funny name.  
PIPER: How can you make fun of my name? Look at you! Look at all of you! I have never heard such a stupid attention-seeking childish bunch of names in my entire life!  
XANDER: Hey! Our names are cool, distinguished.  
PRUE: Outcast names you mean.  
XANDER: Shut it, Buttercup.  
PHOEBE: Ha ha ha!  
GILES: She's attacking too!  
  
BUFFY SMACKS PHOEBE OVER THE HEAD.  
  
PHOEBE: What? I was laughing!  
BUFFY: Oh right, sure.  
PIPER: What the-  
XANDER: Hey this is a family show!  
PIPER: Not from where I'm sitting.  
BUFFY: You swear, you're dead.  
  
LEO AND COLE ORB/SHIMMER IN.  
  
PIPER: Leo!  
PHOEBE: Cole!  
PRUE: No current attachment!  
COLE: Yeah, we came to rescue you.  
GILES: Oh dear.  
XANDER: I'm outta here!  
WILLOW: Yeah you're on your own Buffy!  
  
GILES, WILLOW AND XANDER EXIT WHIMPERING.  
  
COLE: What?  
LEO: Why did they run away?  
PIPER: Oh I don't know... maybe because you're naked!!!  
  
LEO AND COLE JUMP, THEN COVER THEIR RESPECTIVE 'BITS'.  
  
COLE: Oh my god!  
LEO: How?  
PRUE: What were you guys up to?  
PIPER: Ahh Buffy she's attacking!  
  
BUFFY SMACKS PRUE OVER THE HEAD.  
  
PIPER: Heh heh sucker!  
BUFFY: Right, you're gonna tell me what I wanna know.  
PHOEBE: I'm scared.  
BUFFY: Be a man!  
PHOEBE: Okay (masculine voice) I'm scared.  
PIPER: Buffy, what do you want to know?  
BUFFY: Will you guys leave you're making me sick!  
  
LEO AND COLE EXIT.  
  
BUFFY: Where is your book...  
PHOEBE: Oh no!  
BUFFY: Of...  
PIPER: No...  
BUFFY: Recipes for chicken? I'm trying to prove that to make the perfect barbecued chicken you need, *need* to put on alfresco.  
PIPER: Well, it's a matter of taste, but I think alfresco takes the flavour...  
  
BUFFY IS STARING AT HER.  
  
PIPER: Kitchen cupboard, third shelf.  
BUFFY: Thanks.  
  
BUFFY EXITS. A FEW MINUTES LATER THEY HERE THE DOOR SLAM AS SHE LETS HERSELF OUT.  
  
PIPER: They stole my book!  
PHOEBE: And still we're tied to chairs. Will this nightmare ever end?  
PRUE: I'm gonna sing a song.  
PIPER/PHOEBE: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!  
  
*  
  
LIVING ROOM. LEO AND PHOEBE ARE WATCHING 'BEHIND THE MUSIC: CHRISTINA AGUILERA'.   
  
WE WATCH THE TELEVISION.  
  
CHRISTINA: Hi I'm Christina Aguilera and loads of people always ask me if Britney and I actually get on. The truth is, we're lesbian lovers, but I don't like her very much. Hooooooolooolaaaaaaa that's me singing! Most people like it. So here we are on the set for my new video, 'I'm better than you' and it's kinda cold, but I'm enjoying it. Recently I took part in a song for the film 'Moulin Rouge' and I was great. Britney was going to be a part but was dropped for Pink at the last minute. So I had one more bottle of champagne that night!  
  
WE'RE BACK IN THE MANOR.  
  
PHOEBE: Do you think I look like her?  
LEO: Umm...  
PHOEBE: Everyone says I do.  
LEO: Everyone? Who?  
PHOEBE: Umm... I forget, but you think I look like her, right?  
  
PIPER ENTERS.  
  
LEO: Would it make you happy if I said yes?  
PHOEBE: Yeah.   
PIPER: You two aren't planning to have sex behind my back are you?  
LEO: Nope. After last time, I wouldn't wanna risk it. Besides, Piper's better.  
PHOEBE: What???  
LEO: But Phoebe looks like Christina Aguilera!  
PHOEBE: That's right.  
  
PHOEBE EXITS.  
  
LEO: ...who is an ugly hoe.  
PIPER: You really meant that? That I was better?  
LEO: That was why I picked you!  
PIPER: Oh I feel so privileged.  
  
LEO ROLLS HIS EYES  
  
ROLL CREDITS  
  
*  
  
VOICE OVER LADY: What will happen next time? Will Piper ever realise what Leo and Phoebe are up to behind her back? What ARE Leo and Phoebe up to behind Piper's back? Will Buffy ever return Piper's book? Will they ever recover from Buffy smacking them over the head so many times? Will anyone cry because Prue was hardly in this episode? Probably not! Next time on Charmeded:  
  
PHOEBE IS WEARING A TIGHT TOP AND MINI MINI MINI SKIRT.  
  
PHOEBE: Check me out! What a girl wants, what a girl needs, whatever makes me happy sets you free-  
  
PHOEBE IS SHOT DEAD. COLE BLOWS THE SMOKE OFF HIS GUN.  
  
*  
  
PRUE: People should praise me.  
LEO: Hail Queen Prue!  
PIPER: Prue, you working on your mind control again?  
  
*  
  
LEO: I'm turning myself into the Dark Side. I'm trying for a new job with evil.  
PIPER: Oh yeah what job?  
LEO: Satan.  
PIPER: Wow that's a lot of work!  
LEO: Nah Satan is so overrated these days! Now he tends to have minions to do everything for him.  
PHOEBE: Oh! Oh! I could be a minion!  
  
*  
  
  
VOICE OVER MAN: And next on... this channel, we have Piper and Paige who have to face the demon who kidnapped their sister. Stay tuned for demon slaying drama in Charmed.  
  
  



	7. All That And A Cheese On A Stick!

CHARMEDED EPISODE SEVEN: ALL THAT AND A CHEESE ON A STICK  
  
  
PRELUDE: HOLLY'S FACTS  
  
HOLLY: Hi again, if you think that the costumes are nice on this show, you might be interested to know that they actually belong to the actors themselves! Wardrobe can't afford new clothes every week, so we wear our own stuff.  
  
SCENE A: TEASER  
  
ATTIC. PHOEBE IS ALONE LOOKING THROUGH THE BOOK OF SHADOWS. SHE IS SINGING TO HERSELF.  
  
PHOEBE: (to the tune of sitting down here by lene marlin) I'm sitting down here looking for a spell to heighten my libido well beyond what's natural. Though I don't think I need it, Cole's getting bored, and I really need to prove to Prue I can keep a man...  
  
THE PAGES SUDDENLY TURN THEMSELVES TO A PAGE ENTITLED 'HOW TO MAKE YOURSELF GAIN WEIGHT'  
  
PHOEBE: Hey, Grams! Sorry, but no thanks.  
  
SHE FLIPS THE PAGES AND CONTINUES LOOKING. THE PAGES TURN BACK TO THE WEIGHT CHARM AGAIN.  
  
PHOEBE: Hey! I told you no!  
  
SHE FORCEFULLY PULLS THE PAGES OVER. THEY TURN ONCE AGAIN TO THE WEIGHT GAIN PAGE.  
  
PHOEBE: For goodness sakes Grams!  
  
SHE SLAMS THE BOOK SHUT IN ANGER. IT LEVITATES OFF THE PODIUM BEFORE THUNKING HER ON THE HEAD SEVERAL TIMES. SHE FALLS OVER, AND IT SMACKS HER AGAIN BEFORE RESTING BACK ON THE PODIUM, OPEN AT THE SAME PAGE. PHOEBE SLOWLY STANDS UP.  
  
PHOEBE: Okay, okay, I'll do the spell.  
  
ROLL OPENING CREDITS.  
  
*  
  
SCENE B  
  
LIVING ROOM. PRUE, PIPER AND COLE ARE SEATED AND LEO IS PACING.  
  
LEO: I can't find her anywhere!  
PIPER: Doesn't that mean that she's safe? Is it not like your Whitelighter radar only finds people if they're in trouble?  
LEO: No! Where have you been the last million years?  
PRUE: Yeah Piper. Idiot.  
PIPER: Hey shut the **** up you ****ing ****er! I don't like your bull**** anymore than I like to hear you **** yourself in the next room!  
PRUE: Hey woah! I thought we sorted out your swearing problem.  
PIPER: It's not a ****ing problem! It's a habit.  
COLE: And, like killing, not all habits are bad, right?  
PHOEBE(OS): What about overeating?  
  
WE LOOK UP TO THE STAIRS TO SEE PHOEBE, AS ROUND AS A BEACH BALL STRUGGLING TO GET DOWN THE STAIRS.  
  
PIPER: Holy ****!  
COLE: Oh my god you fat cow!  
LEO: What did you eat???  
PRUE: Wow, wow!  
PHOEBE: Well, you know what I'm like with peer pressure...  
PIPER: What, you saw the sun and thought you'd give it a run for its money?  
PHOEBE: Something like that, yeah. The cool thing is I can do this!  
  
SHE LIES ON HER SIDE AND ROLLS INTO THE LIVING ROOM. SHE THEN TRIES TO GET UP, ROCKING BACK AND FORTH LIKE A BEETLE ON ITS BACK.  
  
PHOEBE: Uh... little help?  
  
PRUE PICKS UP A SPADE AND USES IT TO LEVER PHOEBE BACK ONTO HER FEET.  
  
LEO: Where'd that spade come from?  
COLE: Phoebe, I can't... just thinking about it... gyyyeah!  
PHOEBE: Gyyyeah good, gyyyeah bad?  
PIPER: What do you think, bouncy?  
COLE: I mean, I know you're cuddly... but this is, disgusting!  
PHOEBE: Yeah I weigh bout 400 pounds.  
PRUE: Wow that's 400 pounds of weight you put on there!  
PHOEBE: I have such a craving for chocolate smothered in cream cheese with jello and lard.  
PIPER: I'll be a fan of Meatloaf if I'm gonna let you eat all that!  
LEO: Hey...  
PRUE: So how we gonna fix it?  
COLE: Let me try!  
  
HE PRICKS PHOEBE WITH A PIN. NOTHING HAPPENS, EXCEPT:  
  
PHOEBE: Ow you made me bleed!  
PIPER: Oh, stuff happens. Cole, were you expecting her to shoot across the room like a balloon?  
COLE: Well, not expecting.  
PRUE: I'm far ahead of you - hoping, right?  
COLE: Yup.  
LEO: Okay, I think I know how to get her back down to size. Carb only diet. Everyone's doing it, and noone's died yet. Perfect!  
PHOEBE: Yeah.  
  
PHOEBE SLOWLY SHRINKS BACK TO SIZE.  
  
PHOEBE: Well would you look at that!  
PRUE: How...?  
LEO: Who cares?  
PIPER: You're so right!  
  
LEO AND PIPER EXIT, ON THE WAY OUT PIPER MUTTERS TO LEO:  
  
PIPER: Attention seeker.  
  
THEY EXIT.  
  
PHOEBE: Wonder who they were talking about.  
  
PRUE SIGHS. COLE SLAPS HIS FORHEAD. PRUE AND COLE EXIT. ON THE WAY OUT, COLE MUTTERS TO PRUE:  
  
COLE: Retard.  
  
THEY EXIT.  
  
PHOEBE: Wow whoever this is they are sooo disliked!  
  
*  
  
BLACK. SFX DOORBELL.  
  
WE OPEN ON PIPER AND PHOEBE OPENING THE DOOR. THERE IS A SALESMAN.  
  
SALESMAN: Hi I'm Jakie McJake I'd like you to try a free sample of a sweet.  
PIPER: Ooh I don't know-  
PHOEBE: Okay! Gimme gimme gimme!  
SALESMAN: Alrighty. These are Campino Strawberry And Cream flavour. Try!  
  
THEY TRY THE SAMPLE.  
  
PHOEBE: Mmm tastes like strawberries and cream!  
PIPER: (to salesman) Excuse me.  
  
SHE CLONKS PHOEBE OVER THE HEAD.  
  
PHOEBE: What?  
PIPER: Okay. Now what?  
SALESMAN: Now we wait for the poison to kick in.  
PIPER: WHAT???  
SALESMAN: Now we get a little form for you to fill in!  
PIPER: Uh, I don't think so.  
SALESMAN: Don't close the door on me!  
  
THEY CLOSE THE DOOR.  
  
SALESMAN(OS): You'll regret it! Those were poisoned!  
  
PIPER AND PHOEBE COLLAPSE.  
  
SALESMAN(OS): I bet you're regretting it right now!  
  
WE ZOOM ON THEM LYING ON THE FLOOR.  
  
SALESMAN(OS): I bet you're lying on the floor unconscious right now! Which means you probably can't hear me... I'll leave now.  
  
*  
  
LIVING ROOM. LEO, COLE AND PRUE ARE HANGING OUT.  
  
LEO: Where the hell are Piper and Phoebe?  
PRUE: I dunno, they seem to be a long time with whoever was at the door.  
COLE: Prue, go see who it was.  
PRUE: No, I'm too lazy!  
  
COLE TURNS INTO BELTHAZOR.  
  
PRUE: Okay okay!  
  
PRUE ASTRAL PROJECTS. COLE RESUMES HUMAN FORM.  
  
COLE: Sucker.  
LEO: Yup.  
COLE: Shut it.  
  
PRUE ASTRAL PROJECTS BACK IN.  
  
PRUE: Yeah, they're lying unconscious in the hall. But it's okay, as long as noone else comes to the door, they're not making much of a mess.  
LEO: Cool.   
PRUE: I've decided to commentate and narrate everything that happens to annoy you.  
  
LEO PULLS A FACE.  
  
PRUE: Leo pulls a face.  
  
COLE REVERTS TO BELTHAZOR.  
  
PRUE: Cole reverts to Belthazor.  
  
AND THEN BACK TO COLE AGAIN.  
  
PRUE: And then back to Cole again.  
  
PRUE LAUGHS.  
  
PRUE: Prue laughs. Ha ha ha!  
  
PRUE SMILES.  
  
PRUE: Prue smiles.  
  
PRUE IS A GIMP.  
  
PRUE: Prue is a - hey!  
LEO: You deserved that.  
COLE: Did anyone notice, that 'Cole' is 'Leo' messed around with a 'C'?  
PRUE: Did anyone notice, that 'Prue' is 'pure' messed around?  
COLE/LEO: No.  
  
ROLL CREDITS  
  
*  
  
VOICE OVER LADY: Will anyone ever get off that couch? Does anybody care that Piper and Phoebe are unconscious in the next room? And will Prue ever take that sticker that says 'I'm a retard 1998' off her forehead? Find out next time on Charmeded. Sadly there are no previews of next time, as it the the eighth and final season finale climax. A word Prue hasn't heard a lot, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha-  
VOICE OVER MAN: And after the finale, the cast will be fielding questions from the fans.   
  
  
  
  



	8. It Aint Over Till Its Over

Charmeded Episode 8: It Ain't Over Till It's Over   
  
  
PRELUDE: HOLLY'S FACTS   
  
HOLLY: Hey there. It's scary enough that we get our scripts five minutes before shooting, but did you know that we only ever shoot each scene once? We have to get it right or it messes up the whole scene - and there's no chance to reshoot. Also, each scene and show go on air completely unedited. Time to watch that language!   
  
Scene A: Recap   
  
CAMERA ON BLANK WALL. PHOEBE BOUNDS IN.   
  
PHOEBE: Hi! Well, it's been a year-   
  
  
  
PHOEBE: Since we first saw Paige switch bodies with Prue, and what a year it's been! I've been updating my collection of wooly pink hats and little girl giggles! A hee hee! See? So what else happened over the past year? Let's see... Prue ate my script, Prue almost got laid.   
  
PHOEBE HAS TO STOP TO BREATHE FROM LAUGHING.   
  
PHOEBE: Leo stole my pop tarts, Prue got all wistful on us, there were a lot of Mallrats viewings - that Rene's a b*tch by the way-   
  
SHANNEN WALKS ON SCREEN.   
  
SHANNEN: Hey Lyssie.   
PHOEBE: Hey PRUE!   
SHANNEN: Oh - sorry!   
  
SHANNEN CONCENTRATES AND LO AND BEHOLD - LOOK WHAT HAPPENS!   
  
PRUE: Hey Phoebe. Whatcha doin?   
PHOEBE: I'm telling the guys at home what's been goin on over the last year.   
PRUE: Um... I think they know - they were watching it. Sad b*stards.   
  
HOLLY AND JULIAN ENTER.   
  
HOLLY: Sup guys?   
JULIAN: G'day. Shannen, we need to talk to you about those marks we found on Brian's body.   
PHOEBE: Oh yeah, you guys at home, I forgot to tell you, few days back Leo was found beaten to the ground. He came back from the hostipal yesterday.   
JULIAN: Hospital. It's pronounced, hospital.   
PHOEBE: Yeah - hostipal.   
JULIAN: Retard.   
PHOEBE: But we think Prue beat him up.   
PRUE: I uhhh don't know what you're talking about?   
HOLLY: Come on - you're acting!   
SHANNEN: Fine! Now I'm out of character. I don't know what you're talking about.   
HOLLY: And now you're lying!   
SHANNEN: Holly - I have always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you asked me to do a striptease to the theme from Mighty Mouse, I said okay. At that hotel prom night, when you asked me to sleep underneath the bed in case your mother burst in, I did it. And even when we were at my grandmother's funeral and you told most of my relatives you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let it slide. If you think I'm gonna suffer any more of your sh*t now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious f*cking disappointment.   
HOLLY: Okay shut the f*ck up with that speech will you? You've been saying it more than too much every day for the past week! And our grandmother and relatives are the same. We're sisters dipsh*t!   
ALYSSA: Y'guys ruined the scene.   
  
HOLLY PUNCHES ALYSSA.   
  
HOLLY: Wooly pink moron.   
ALYSSA: Alright now I'm gonna get nasty!   
  
SHANNEN PUNCHES ALYSSA.   
  
ALYSSA: No more... Mr Nice... Pheebs...   
  
JULIAN, SHANNEN AND HOLLY JUMP ON ALYSSA AND BEGIN PUMMELING HER.   
  
ALYSSA: Owie...   
  
ROLL THEME AND CREDITS.   
  
Scene B:   
  
KITCHEN. LEO AND PIPER ARE STANDING ABOUT LOOKING BENT. PRUE ENTERS. PHOEBE ENTERS. PHOEBE LEAVES. A FEW MINUTES LATER, PHOEBE ENTERS. PHOEBE LEAVES. PHOEBE ENTERS. PHOEBE LEAVES. PHOEBE ENTERS. PRUE PUNCHES PHOEBE. PHOEBE FALLS DOWN.   
  
PRUE: Stupid boot starting to piss me off...   
PIPER: You'd think she'd have brain damage by now thanks to you, Prue.   
PRUE: Well, they say it's never too late.   
LEO: Guess we'll just have to wait.   
PIPER: It's just brought me closer...   
PRUE: Stop trying to steal the moment, sister.   
PIPER: I was just going along with the song-   
PRUE: I hate you sometimes.   
  
PHOEBE GETS UP.   
  
PHOEBE: Fine I'll do the vanquish myself!   
LEO: What vanquish?   
  
COLE ENTERS.   
  
PHOEBE: Oh I whipped up a little something to vanquish Belthazor.   
COLE: Hey in the what now?   
PHOEBE: Hey sweetie. I'm going to vanquish Belthazor.   
COLE: That name sounds familiar...   
PRUE: And I should care, but I don't!   
PIPER: Who the f*ck hates you? I mean asked you?   
  
A DEMON DOOD SHIMMERS IN.   
  
PIPER: What the f*ck is this? A breakfast bar?   
DEMON: Ooh you serve breakfast?   
PHOEBE: Who the hell are you and what are you doing here?   
DEMON: You don't already know? Your whitelighter must be sleeping on the job!   
PIPER: Under, actually.   
LEO: Piper!!! That's embarrassing!   
PHOEBE: Can we get on with this, KT is getting tired of writing so much junk!   
  
KT NODS.   
THE DEMON DOOD DISAPPEARS.   
  
KT: I hate to agree with the bimbo, but Charmeded is taking it's toll... and the Demon Dood was pissing me off. Let's make Piper swear some more!   
PIPER: Hey KT who the f*ck are you get the f*ck out of my house! I mean, manor. Ah what the heck get the f*ck out of my f*ck-off pink mansion!   
KT: That's more like it.   
PIPER: Nyyahhh I can't stop mother f*cking doing it now you f*cking gimp boy Phoebe get me some f*cking soda water! And a sh*tty kebab from that sh*tty kebab shop!   
  
PHOEBE LEAVES TO GET PIPER A SODA WATER AND A KEBAB.   
  
PIPER: She is so my b*tch.   
  
**************************   
  
BY NOW EVERYONE 'WATCHING' CHARMEDED HAS REALISED IT REALLY IS A BIG PILE OF SH*TE. OH WELL. TIME TO BRING IT TO A CLOSE I GUESS.   
  
**************************   
  
SUDDENLY SOME RANDOM WOMAN COMES IN AND SHOOTS PIPER.   
  
SOME RANDOM WOMAN: I killed the bad witch!   
PHOEBE: Actually, that's the bad witch there.   
  
PHOEBE POINTS AT PRUE.   
  
PRUE: Hey in the what now? No, uh, no I'm not the-   
  
BOOKA! PRUE IS ALSO SHOT DEAD.   
  
PHOEBE: Nooooooooooooo! Piper!!!!!!   
  
SHE FALLS OVER PRUE WHILE RUSHING TO PIPER'S SIDE.   
  
PHOEBE: Ah! Stoopid b*tch!   
  
SHE JUMPS ON PRUE'S FACE.   
  
SOME RANDOM WOMAN: I killed the bad witch!   
  
PHOEBE PHYSICALLY MANHANDLES AND KILLS SOME RANDOM WOMAN. SOME USE SHE WAS. PHOEBE SITS DOWN BY PIPER, CRYING.   
  
PHOEBE: Piper... please... stay with me Piper... Piper? PIPER!!!   
  
  
  
  
SCREEN FADES TO BLACK.   
  
THE END!!!!!!!!!   
  
VOICE OVER MAN: What the f*ck?!?!? You can't leave us hanging like that!!! I need to know what happens to Piper!   
VOICE OVER LADY: Yes indeedy that was quite a cliffhanger! And what's more - there are no previews because that was the end of series one! Calamity. CALAMITY!!!   
  
  
  
And stay tuned for a press conference starring the cast as they talk about the seasons' dramatic finale.   
  
  
  
  
KT: Phew...


	9. OFFICIAL PRESS CONFERENCE

The Daily Raj sent one of its roving reporters, a young lady called KT to check out the cast of Charmeded's press conference. Here is our accurate account of what happened.   
  
KT: Hi alright I'm in the room, the cast haven't entered yet, but there is quite a turnout of reporters here. Oh here they come.   
  
Applause.   
  
SHANNEN DOHERTY: Thank you, thank you very much.   
ALYSSA MILANO: Really, applause isn't necessary.   
  
Shannen punches Alyssa.   
  
SHANNEN: Shut up idiot! How often do you think this ever happens to me?   
  
The cast take their seats. Cameras flash. They are: Holly Marie Combs, Brian Krause, Alyssa Milano, Shannen Doherty, Julian McMahon and Lochllyn Munroe.   
  
***NOTE***Since Lochllyn is particularly hard to spell, we'll just call him by his character's name - Bucklands Guy, or Bucko for short. Also: when another enemy journalist asks a question, they will be referred to by their last name******   
  
JULIAN MCMAHON: Alright already. Let's get this over with.   
ALYSSA: Hi folks! We are the cast of Charmeded! And we're gonna answer all your questions about the show! Hee hee! Oh no I dropped my fluffy pink hat!   
HOLLY MARIE COMBS: Imbecile.   
ALYSSA: What?   
HOLLY: What?   
ALYSSA: Whatever.   
BRIAN KRAUSE: If we can have the first question?   
  
I put my hand up.   
  
BRAIN: Yes - you there.   
CHAVY: Yes, Miss Doherty - how has doing two shows put a strain on your love life?   
SHANNEN: I'm only doing one show.   
CHAVY: Oh yeah!   
  
All laugh at Shannen. Including me. Ha ha outcast.   
  
ARIA: Shannen, how has being the odd one out of the cast affected your relationships with them?   
SHANNEN: It's the same as ever. They piss me off, I smash them.   
ARIA: Smash?   
SHANNEN: Look, I'll demonstrate:   
  
Shannen punches Alyssa hard.   
  
SHANNEN: That, is what smashing someone is. Okay, next question!   
  
It occurs to me that two minutes in, Shannen already has taken over the whole meeting. I put my hand up and praise be! Shannen looks right at me!   
  
SHANNEN: You there.   
KT: Hi, Shannen, do you-   
SHANNEN: Not you! Was I looking at you?   
KT: I don't know... your squint...   
SHANNEN: I don't have a squint! Well, what's your question?   
  
Shannen is looking at the other side of the room.   
  
SHANNEN: Hello? Reporter who said I have a squint! I'm looking at you now!   
KT: Um... okay. Do you like Alyssa Milano?   
  
I expect her to deny the rumours about on-set bitch fights between her and her co-star, since Milano is right next to her.   
  
SHANNEN: No I don't 'not like her'. I hate the b*tch!   
ALYSSA: Shannen - you said... for the press...   
SHANNEN: Shut up dipsh*t!   
BUCKO: Alright fiesty chicks! Calm down a little. This is a swearing-free zone!   
SHANNEN: Anything for you, Bucklands Guy...   
HEWITT: Okay, this is a question for Bucklands Guy-   
JAKIE: I have a question for Bucklands Guy as well!   
BUCKO: Sweet f*cking christ! Does no one know my real name?   
  
Silence sweeps the room.   
  
BRIAN: Okay! I just wanna say, cos the papers are here and all, that I am publically dumping Alyssa Milano's candy ass.   
  
Alyssa looks shocked.   
  
BRIAN: Mainly cos she's a retard, I hate her clothes, I hate her voice, she makes me feel sick, and she never shares her stash!   
ALYSSA: Brian! But I love you...   
BRIAN: Yeah, well you suck! I gotta go anyway. Bye.   
  
Brain ups and leaves. Alyssa starts crying.   
  
SHANNEN: Oh stop being such a stupid baby, Milano. Well, you are still in nappies aren't you?   
ALYSSA: Shut up! Just cos I'm younger than you!   
SHANNEN: Look, Milano, just because you got your teeth whitened before me, does not mean you are any younger or trendier.   
ALYSSA: Just because I'm part Italian!   
SHANNEN: I'm part Irish!   
HOLLY: God will you both shut the f*ck up? Alyssa, you yourself are not Italian. Your name is. And Shannen, your name isn't even Irish at all! If you were really Irish your name would be spelled S H A N N O N D O C H E R T Y! Both of you stop trying to be so special!   
SHANNEN: Oh look who's talking, Miss 'I have three names - worship me!'   
ALYSSA: Yeah you stripy piece of... wallpaper!   
JULIAN: They have a point...   
HOLLY: What? I am not like wallpaper!   
SHANNEN: Yeah, I guess those millions of times I've walked past you and never even seen you because you blend in with the wall so well is just coincidental?   
HOLLY: ... yes.   
  
I decide to intervene.   
  
KT: Hi, ladies? Hi. I want to ask you about your fanzines that you have out?   
SHANNEN: Ah yeah! I have two - Charmeded Magazine, of which I am editor, and my own personal fanzine, 'Dysentery Doherty'. It's all about me, and... stuff. Yeah, it's really good! You should all buy it! Now! It's way better than the rest of these average magazines the others have, especially that idiot Milano's.   
ALYSSA: Mines is called 'Alyssa Milano Magazine For Girls' or AMMFG. It's got stuff to colour in and join the dots and spot the difference and really, really hard 'find the fluffy pink hat' puzzles. I really like it. It's so challanging.   
  
There is silence as we wait for Holly to talk about her magazine, but she's too busy staring at the wall.   
  
KT: Ahem. Miss Combs?   
HOLLY: Sorry. Mine's is called 'Holly's Practical Woodwork and Wallpapering'   
KT: Aren't you gonna tell us anything about it?   
HOLLY: Umm... it's a magazine.   
KT: Great. Holly would you deny the allegations that you are, in a word, a bore?   
HOLLY: No, not really.   
SHANNEN: Yawn.   
BUCKO: Where'd Brain go?   
JULIAN: Who cares? This sucks! Come on, come on hurry up I wanna go tend the wallabies!   
ALYSSA: I have two horses.   
SHANNEN: Ha! I have three! No... I have eighty-seven million!   
ALYSSA: Why do you always have to be number one Shannen?   
SHANNEN: Because I am number one!   
  
Shannen jumps on Alyssa and begins pummeling her. Nobody does anything to prevent this. In fact, people actually begin to cheer and place bets. I gamble on Doherty. I make £7.   
  
SHANNEN: Idiot.   
HOLLY: Yeah Shannen you smashed her pretty good!   
ALYSSA: Ohhh.   
SHANNEN: Yeah. That goes for all of you! You piss me off, you get smashed!   
  
I decide not to point out the fact that she said that before.   
  
SHANNEN: End of conference.   
  
I smirk at the other reporters, and jeer them because I was the one who the three females of Charmeded - well, two females and one gender debatable Doherty - chose to have a private interview with after the conference.   
  
*****   
  
We walk to a small interview room, I'm miles ahead because of the extreme shortness of the girls. I've already got a coffee and a nice pastry by the time they arrive in the room. Milano immediately bounds over looking stupid and grabs my pastry.   
  
SHANNEN: Alyssa! Manners! If you gotta steal you gotta steal politely.   
  
Shannen punches Alyssa. Shannen gently takes the coffee out of my hand. Thank god I spat in it. Ha ha. The girls sit down facing me. It's not the sight I was looking forward to seeing. Why did I agree to this?   
  
HOLLY: Hi. So what the f*ck are you wanting to talk to us about?   
KT: Can you please not swear?   
HOLLY: Who's f*cking swearing? Besides, I'll f*cking swear when-f*cking-ever the f*ck I want to. Am I making my self perfectly f*cking clear?   
KT: Crystal.   
ALYSSA: She has a swearing problem. She can't stop. It's like her drinking.   
HOLLY: Hey that's not a problem! It's a habit. And not all-   
SHANNEN: Habits are bad, we know, we know.   
HOLLY: Hey stop f*cking butting in b*tchass.   
SHANNEN: Shut up woodblock. You've done your tough act now go back to staring at the walls.   
ALYSSA: Once Shannen told me she liked me.   
SHANNEN: I was very, very drunk. Plus, it was the first five seconds of my first meeting with you. I hadn't realised what a complete and total gimp you were.   
ALYSSA: Oh that is such a lie!   
HOLLY: Me and Shannen are best friends.   
SHANNEN: Dream on doorframe.   
KT: Alright will all of yous shut the f*ck up? For f*cks sake you keep talking a load of bullsh*t!   
SHANNEN: Hey I don't take no orders from anyone!   
  
I proceed in smashing Shannen. God she's such a boot!   
  
KT: Now. I have to ask you some questions. They are very personal private questions, and will probably make you hella uncomfortable. Ready?   
ALYSSA: I'm scared.   
KT: What colour is your bedroom?   
ALYSSA: PINK!   
HOLLY: I had nice pine walls put on top of the plastering. My whole room is like a ship, in the way that it's made of wood.   
SHANNEN: My bedroom is black.   
KT: Have any of you ever tried to commit suicide?   
HOLLY: Once I tried to kill myself by jumping into the wall... but all that happened was that my hernia popped back in. That was a good day.   
SHANNEN: I've tried to kill other people, but never myself.   
ALYSSA: I've slit my wrists countless times, hung myself loads, stabbed myself, held my head underwater... the list is endless!   
KT: Who are you in love with?   
SHANNEN: Holly.   
HOLLY: Alyssa.   
ALYSSA: You. I mean, Holly.   
  
I realise that no one loves Shannen. She doesn't seem to notice though.   
  
KT: Are any of you in gangs?   
ALYSSA: Does the Pink Brigade count?   
HOLLY: What?   
SHANNEN: I'm in the YLT and the HollyginsTM. It's a play on words. Hooligins, Hollygins. Geddit? It's like a gang who are all evil and hooligins, but they all like Holly.   
HOLLY: I'm getting the 'no' feeling...   
KT: The YLT? Really? Which division?   
SHANNEN: The Bams.   
KT: Ha! I'm in The Mentals! I'm higher up than you!   
  
Shannen gives me the biggest evils. I poke her in the eye. She doesn't seem to notice. In fact, I think it makes her vision better! I glance at my watch. I still have five minutes of questions to ask. Sh*t I can't think of anything to say!   
  
KT: So...   
SHANNEN: Are you attached to anyone at the moment?   
KT: Um-   
SHANNEN: Really? Me neither! Hey maybe we should hook-   
KT: AH I HAVE A QUESTION NOW!   
  
Thank god.   
  
KT: What will happen in the next season of Charmeded? No - wait - will there be another season of Charmeded?   
HOLLY: There will be another series, it's official now that Shannen doesn't abandon us til the end of series two.   
SHANNEN: F*ck you. I did now *abandon* Charmed. It just sucked monkeys ass! Charmeded, I will stick with. Cos it's quality.   
ALYSSA: I stuck with my wooly pink hats. I knew they'd come back into fashion!   
  
KT, Shannen and Holly exchange looks. Yuck Shannen looked at me!   
  
KT: So tell me about the cliffhanger!   
SHANNEN: I die. So does Holly.   
KT: I know, idiot. I want to know what happens after!   
ALYSSA: Well Leo comes and-   
  
Shannen has clamped her hand over the idiotic Milano's mouth. I never thought I'd feel grateful towards Doherty, but there's a first time for everything! I just couldn't take anymore of Alyssa'a homo squeaky voice alright?!?   
  
SHANNEN: No comment.   
KT: Och you suck monkeys!   
SHANNEN: And what's wrong with that?   
  
An unsettling silence sweeps the room. Well, I think that's been five minutes!   
  
KT: Gotta go! Bye!   
ALYSSA: No! Don't leave us with her! She hits us!   
SHANNEN: Shut up you idiot!   
  
I leave the room as I hear the thud of a table hitting flesh. Well, to be fair, I think Milano deserved it.   
  
So it's the end of an era. Charmeded series one has officially come to an end, and now all we can do it wait and hope there is never another series. Ever. This has been KT for the Daily Raj signing out.


End file.
